Monday, January 29, 2007

Musings from Fatty McButterpants: To 16, and Beyond.


My downward spiralling pity party reemerged last weekend when I purchased a "fuji apple pink" 3/4-sleeve turtleneck from Old Navy. It looks lovely on me, and it feels so comfy because I have room to move. So what's the problem?

It's an XXL. This is the first Women's XXL item I have ever bought in my entire life. I just keep growing and growing and growing. Not upward, but outward. And I haven't given birth to any kids yet. What's going to happen 10 years from now when I become a baby incubator? You're supposed to gain at least 20 pounds when you have a child. How am I supposed to get rid of that?

Today I had this Fat Actress moment when I was getting ready for work. My regular pants were feeling slightly snugger than I was comfortable with. So I figured I change into one of my pairs of fat pants. But then my fat pants were too tight too. :( I had to change my entire ensemble, and then I spent the rest of the day futzing with my sweater that kept cropping up over my belly. Boo hoo. It wasn't quite as bad as the above picture, but that's how I felt inside.

It's not like I eat like Kirstie did in her show, wolfing down entire bags of chips and trays of cookies in one sitting. My stomach can only hold so much food, even if I really like that food. But no matter how little goes inside my tummy, the outside of my tummy continues to expand. I exercise four times a week. I don't mean occasionally walking a lap around my block. I mean serious cardio. Tae Bo, Power Yoga, Step, and Total Body Conditioning. It's like something you'd see on Work Out.

I look at my friends eating normal or larger sized portions, and I wonder how their bodies can deal with that food when mine can't. Half of them don't even exercise! Then I feel even worse when I see a commercial for one of those ubiquitous "Obesity in America" news specials, with the camera taking headless shots of people's flabby bottoms and overflowing midsections. Not muffin tops. Not beer bellies. Cascading rolls of fat spilling out of their shirts and pants. And I think to myself, am I part of this problem? Am I not pushing myself hard enough at the gym? Am I still taking in too many calories? I know I could eat additional fruits and vegetables. But I can't drink any more water. My 2.5+ liters a day would drown any other human being.

I just need to accept my size and body type. I will always have a chunky torso, whether it's toned or mushy. But I hate having to buy bigger clothes every year. It's not like the government is giving me annual gift cards to the Gap. I should write my Senator. Maybe Madame Boxer can attach a special rider to the next spending bill.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Rock This Town? No, Degrassi, Nooo!


If you watched the latest episode of Degrassi: The New Generation on Friday, then you might be as traumatized as I am. I thought I'd be cool with JT dying. Hello, it's Degrassi: It goes there. What did you expect? But this? This was hard. Especially when we found out that not only is Liberty still in love with JT, but JT is still in love with her, too. Then it got all West Side Story, with "Tony!" "Maria!" "Tony! "Maria!" And right before JT could reach Liberty, some random guy stabs him. For no reason! Then Liberty rushes to his limp body, cradling her ex-baby-daddy in her arms, screaming for help.

I can't process this right now. This weekend has left me exhausted. I would talk about the reasons this episode has affected me so much, mainly because I identify with Liberty in the early seasons of Degrassi, when she was pursuing JT, but he just wanted to be friends with her. That was so me in eighth and ninth grade. Or, Grade 8 and Grade 9, as they say in Canadian.

If y'all watch Degrassi, or if you just like television shows involving average-looking teenagers going to school in America's attic (i.e. the Maple leaf country), please weigh in. Leave a comment, and we'll discuss my post-adolescent angst.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

He Can Always Work at Dunder-Mifflin.


Did y'all catch Kevin Reilly on last week's episode of The Office? Yes, the sometimes delusional President of NBC Entertainment had a three-second cameo at the beginning of "The Return" as Dwight's potential employer. I wasn't sure it was Mr. Reilly at first. But Defamer confirmed it for me. He's pretty darn cute, for a older gentleman. And I'm two degrees of separation away from him. Sweet! Kevin is my latest "wishes-he-were-a-celebrity" crush. Because network presidents are only tabloid-worthy if you can find them on The Sunset Strip. No matter how cool Jeff Zucker thinks he is 'cause he knows Kirstie Alley.

Even if the constant breaking rumors turn out to be true at some confirmed point in the near future, I'm sure Kevin will land on his feet. If nothing else, his golden parachute and his big pile of money will help cushion his fall.

Oh yeah. Loved the rest of the episode, too. "I liked you better as the temp." "Me too." You're lucky you're still around, BJ.

Update, 3/1/2007: KEVIN REILLY RE-UPS AS PRESIDENT, NBC ENTERTAINMENT

Monday, January 15, 2007

"The Return of the King"


In honor of the holiday, I'm watching my second favorite episode of The Boondocks, in which Martin Luther King awakes from his 40-year coma. After being persecuted for his nonviolent beliefs in a post-9/11 America, and watching some booty-shaking videos on BET, the controversial Civil Rights activist declares, "I'm going to Canada." If you haven't seen it, I encourage you to watch this clip of Dr. King's speech as he addresses the black American community four decades after he was shot.

What's my first favorite episode of Boondocks? The Trial of R. Kelly. I wish Aaron had left Rosa Parks in it, though.

In somewhat related news, I think some creepy, middle-aged white guy tried to solicit me at the gas station last night. All I did was respond to his, "Hello, how are you?" with a polite, "I'm good, how are you?" And I get, "You want to have some fun tonight?" What part of my outfit said, "I'm a hooker?" The thick black turtleneck, the puffy down coat, or the comfortable brown loafers by Hush Puppies? I don't think my being mistaken for a prostitute by some skeevy dude of a different color was part of Dr. King's multicultural Dream.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: Representin', yo.


I had the unfortunate experience of catching the opening of The View this morning, the day after that guy in the White House addressed the nation about his plan for victory in Iraq, i.e. "the most dangerous foreign policy blunder in this country since Vietnam" (tm Senator Chuck Hagel, R-Nebraska).

Apparently Ms. Hasselbeck's role on The View is to put a face to the 11% of Americans who think George W. Bush's troop surge idea is the way to go for Iraq. She had the nerve to compare putting 21,500 more American troops into the war-torn nation, with using chemotherapy to treat her mother's cancer. Rosie pointed out to her that "after 9/11," our country had the support of the entire world, and now we have none. Elisabeth's response? She doesn't care what the rest of the world thinks of us; she'd rather be safe. Because in her mind, those two things are not related.

How did this ninny get to be a co-host on a national talk show? Oh yeah. She took fourth place on Survivor, and married a backup NFL quarterback. If that's all it takes, I should have my own talk show on ABC right now.

Hey, Hasselbeck. How would you like to serve your country over there, so we don't have to fight them over here, after reading this tidbit of news: Pentagon abandons active-duty time limit. According to the AP:

"The Pentagon has abandoned its limit on the time a citizen-soldier can be required to serve on active duty, officials said Thursday, a major change that reflects an Army stretched thin by longer-than-expected combat in Iraq...

...Until now, the Pentagon's policy on the Guard or Reserve was that members' cumulative time on active duty for the Iraq or Afghan wars could not exceed 24 months. That cumulative limit is now lifted; the remaining limit is on the length of any single mobilization, which may not exceed 24 consecutive months, Pace said.

In other words, a citizen-soldier could be mobilized for a 24-month stretch in Iraq or Afghanistan, then demobilized and allowed to return to civilian life, only to be mobilized a second time for as much as an additional 24 months. In practice, Pace said, the Pentagon intends to limit all future mobilizations to 12 months."


Elisabeth, don't come crying to me about, "But I have a baby to raise." Rosie told you today about that Army couple she knew who have an infant, but they both have to go to Iraq anyway. You can sign up at the Recruitment Station and leave that kid with your husband Tim. I'm sure he'll be able figure out how to raise a child while you're off in the desert fighting "insurgents." Thousands of parents are going through the same situation right now. Since you're all for supporting George Bush in this war, why don't you join them?

Monday, January 08, 2007

It stands for Live, and Love, too.


The L Word, Season 4, premiered last night on Showtime. It wasn't until I was watching the preview on my OnDemand cable that I realized how much I missed this show. There is only one season a year, it lasts for about three months, and then, Boom, it's gone. So sad. I will enjoy it while it's still around. If you don't have Showtime, but want to keep up to date on Bette's baby-stealing antics, Helena's newfound poverty, Tina's return to "white heterosexual privilege," Jenny's incessant navel gazing, Kit's inability to escape her Foxy Brown past, and Alice's overall awesomeness (she is soooo funny), then take a gander at the recaps at AfterEllen.com. Scribe Grrrl has a certain flair for recording the show's drama, humor and parade of "guest-bians" (tm Scribe Grrrl).

In other premium-cable-that-I-so-cannot-afford-but-have-anyway news, I am so psyched about Extras on HBO, starting this week! I would not shut up about this show in the car last night as I was riding around LA with my friends, helping them search for their dinner. I was telling them all about the upcoming Orlando Bloom episode, where he is possibly the only man in the world that Maggie doesn't fancy. But I'm more excited about the Daniel Radcliffe episode, because 1, I love the Harry Potter books and movies, and 2, he reminds me of a guy I had a crush on. Actually, he looks like multiple guys I had crushes on. They were older than him, of course. I'm feeling a little squicky now, because Mr. Radcliffe's not legal yet. Not in the U.S. anyway. I don't know how they roll in Britain, but I'm not down for checking out teenagers.

Onto free (if you have a TV) broadcast television, and away from people who turn 18 this July. The Office. Loved. It. How can last week's episode make me start rooting for Roy, while I snipe at Pam? That's the power of The Office. Pam's crying didn't touch me that deeply. Yeah, I would have sat with her and gave her a hug while she sniffled. But inside, I'd be like, Hello? You rejected Jim twice, missy. You didn't think he was going to move on? Well, he did, and he found someone who appreciates him. And if you want him back, Pam, then, in the words of Britney Spears, "why don't you do somethin'?"

Last, but not least: Oxygen's Campus Ladies. Because Joan, Barri, Paige, Abdul and "Mr. Drew" rock my world. With guest stars like Patton Oswalt, Megan Mullaly, Penny Marshall, Jason Alexander, Mo'Nique and Sean Hayes, how can you go wrong? And that's just Season 2.

Honorable mention: Jim Gaffigan in My Boys. Jim, you are working it. But that show needs help. Woof. Not so good. And Kyle Howard? Please ask for some more lines. You're adorable, but your character arc ended way too soon. You cannot peak in the second episode of a thirteen episode series. I mean, season. Yeah. That's right. Season. Who said "cancelled"?

Monday, January 01, 2007

Keeping the Brown Man Down: Bianca's First Post of the New Year


As planned and as usual, I spent my New Year's Eve watching the Twilight Zone marathon on SciFi. But by midnight, I had fallen asleep watching the Fingerbang episode of South Park. I'm still watching The Twilight Zone now. I put together my new Ikea bookshelf (with doors!) while I was consumed one of my favorite episodes, "Number 12 Looks Just Like You." Made in 1964, but even more poignant now. It should be required viewing for anyone considering elective plastic surgery.

Now that I have pretty much recovered from my trip home, I have now fallen back into my routine of putzing around on the internet when I should be doing other productive things. Like unpacking, or opening my snail mail. Hence, I stumbled onto these two items courtesy of Racialicious.

1: Shades of Brown: The L.A. Times’ Latino problem, written by Daniel Hernandez in LA Weekly,

"In more than 30 interviews with current and former staff members of various backgrounds, as well as many longtime community leaders and newsroom-diversity advocates, a portrait of the Los Angeles Times emerges as an institution that remains incapable of adapting to the city’s changing faces. Year after year, the paper still feels like it’s manufactured for the recently arrived Anglo Westsider. Who wishes he were in New York."

How is it that the Los Angeles Times, a newspaper based in a city that used to be part of Mexico and whose population is at least 46% "Hispanic or Latino", is still treating all of these people as outsiders who the newspaper must either pander to or barely tolerate?

and, 2: A commentary by Racialicious editor Carmen Van Kerckhove, on a newly infamous Virgin Trains commercial. This one-minute-and-20-second-long advertisment, airing in the UK and on YouTube, involves olde tyme Native Americans on horseback attacking a modern-day locomotive, filled with white people, barreling through the British countryside. Quoi? What kind of twisted, anachronistic history rewriters has Charles Bronson got working for him at Virgin? As I can recall from Pocahontas, the British were the ones who invaded the Native Americans' land, not the other way around.

The commercial then ends with the slogan, "Man who go on big train have big idea." Because I wasn't offended enough before.

It's 2007, people. Did we learn nothing from Mel and Michael?