Saturday, April 30, 2011

"They're wedding gnomes!"

Forget CNN or the BBC. Here is my favorite coverage of the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton:

"Oh no. Do you know what?"


"I'm thinking about the fact that one in five public sector workers in Britain are about to lose their jobs."

"Yes, that is very sad, actually."

"Isn't it terrible?"


Yeah, dude. It's horrible! Though, I do like those gnomes. Funny hats.

Victoria Mather, friend of the British royal family, has a different take on the situation:

"I think the British taxpayer is being very mean about moaning about paying for this wedding. I mean, it's a privilege, isn't it?"

Thank goodness it's not my privilege. My taxes are going to better things, like three illegal wars on foreign soil.

"I'd prefer to be paying for the royal wedding and cleaning the streets afterwards and for all the security than to be paying for illegal immigrants to claim benefits and live in sinker states."

"Oh! Why not make it a race issue?"



Did Mr. Oliver say that the royal wedding will cost taxpayers 20 million pounds (at 2:38)? Based on current exchange rates, that's about 33 jillion dollars! You know how many British weddings I could throw for £20 million? About 20. Wedding planners don't come cheap.


Friday, April 29, 2011

"Thank you for knowing my name . . . Brendan Fraser?"
Kumail Nanjiani - Hey Kumar
JokesJoke of the DayFunny Jokes

"I want to be so famous that I'm the pop culture reference that people would make to try and be racist to me."

So do I! Except not in a mean racist way. More in a model minority way, like when people compare me to Oprah or Queen Latifah or Whoopi Goldberg, or other successful black women on the TV who have some extra padding in the tuchis. Though I haven't gotten Mo'nique or Wendy Williams yet. I'm sure that day will come.


"We're at a research facility, and the cat's missing!"
Kumail Nanjiani - Horror Movies
JokesJoke of the DayFunny Jokes

"We're okay with you murdering people with your needle gloves. But racism?"

Tsk tsk.


"Why won't Barack Obama release his elementary school report cards?"

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
America Needs to See Obama's Report Cards
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogVideo Archive

"I have no proof that he's even a black man! He could be white! And if that's the case, I don't understand why we're questioning his legitimacy."


They're not my Republican friends.

"The issue it seems to me is with a $1.6 trillion deficit, it is insane to think that the only way you're gonna move toward a balanced budget is by slashing college Pell grants, by cutting Medicaid, by converting Medicare into a voucher program, by cutting programs that working class people and middle-class people desperately need. And at the same time, our Republican friends say, 'Well, we're gonna to do all of these terrible things to the most vulnerable people in America, but you know what, we're not going to ask billionaires to pay a nickel more in taxes.' I think that that is insane."

. . .

"Working people have rights. Health care should be a right of all people, not just a privilege of the wealthy."


Monday, April 25, 2011

Actor? Painter? Korean pop star? Ice cream magnate?

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Renaissance Nemesis - Frank Jameso
Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogVideo Archive

"I'm so Renaissance than under my suit I'm wearing a codpiece."

I'd like to fancy myself a Renaissance Lady, or a polymath, if you will. But apparently, I need to step my game up. Let's start with the ice cream. I've got ideas, Ben & Jerry.


I do enjoy the little boy eating the Pill, but

I do have two questions about Bridesmaids:

1. Why is this the only movie with an all-female cast coming out this year? I need more movies about platonic lady-friends.

2. How does Maya Rudolph's character have only white friends? Does producer Judd Apatow want to maintain his consistency of keeping any brown people from mucking up the screen? (Watch his movies, and tell me I'm wrong.) This whitewashing syndrome is not exclusive to Mr. Apatow's projects, but it is glaringly apparent in this movie. It's worse than when Rashida Jones's character in I Love You, Man had only white friends and conveniently had no family at all. (What, Quincy couldn't make an appearance?) Or when Jennifer Lopez had no family either in Monster-in-Law.

3. Why did I watch Monster-in-Law?.

Please leave comments! :)



I hope not.


Sunday, April 17, 2011

"Speaking of never intending to give factual statements, Fox and Friends."

"You can get a pap smear or a breast exam at Walgreens . . . Ladies, just look for the stirrups."

Readers, that remark was not intended to be a factual statements. Keep your pants on at the drugstore.


Friday, April 01, 2011

"If I were you, I'd watch out for red flags."

"But what if I'm like a flag factory that only manufactures giant red flags?"


I've never been to Harlem,

but after that story, I am not comfortable either. :|