"You're really dark."

 I'm not changing my sense of humor for anyone. I'm hilarious!

(For some thought-provoking comments about colorism in various communities, click here. Yes, colorism is still a problem almost everywhere.)

.

This topic makes me sad,

Dark Girls: Preview from Bradinn French on Vimeo.

but having the discussion makes me glad. It's important to talk about difficult subjects, even if they make some people uncomfortable. In the words of Leslie Bennetts, author of The Feminine Mistake, "The facts don't change just because you refuse to look at them."

via Jezebel, "The Heartbreaking Reality Of Being A Dark-Skinned Black Woman"


.

Part of the Problem

This week I was having a conversation with one of my new friends, which went something like this:

New friend: "Let's talk about your dating life."

Me: "Let's not. It's terrible."

New friend: "Really?"

Me: "Really. Guys aren't that into me."

New friend: "That's hard to believe. You're great!"

Me: "Yeah, I know. I am great. But . . ."

And then I never know exactly what to say after that, because the friend that I am talking to is rarely another black woman. So the friend does not fully comprehend the background of racism, sexism, colorism, sizeism, and general discrimination and bigotry that is involved when dating, specifically when dating in the United States. It is difficult to explain that, for many male people my age, the person I am on the outside--and sometimes on the inside--is unacceptable. I am not what they had in mind. I am not what they grew up with. Even if my packaging is what they grew up with, the image of me, to them, remains generally inferior; it is not an image which they aspire to have as a partner.

It is hard for me to encapsulate all that pain in one sentence. It would take weeks for my friend to exit their well-constructed comfort zone and learn about gender studies and the history of institutional racism in the US. Then that friend would also have to recognize and accept that those social phenomena continue to negatively affect people like me, despite the few exceptions to the many rules. Watching Killing Us Softly 3 by Jean Kilbourne would be a start. They could also read the posts below:

Tameka Raymond's HuffPo Op-Ed on Colorism Is A Must Read, by ActsofFaithBlog, Acts of Faith In Love and Life.

"She's Pretty for a Dark-Skinned Girl...", by Tameka J. Raymond, The Huffington Post. Emphases mine.

I am a dark-skinned African American woman with features that reflect my ancestry. Debates regarding Light vs. Dark and other biases have plagued our race for years and continues to impact millions of Black women. The deeply rooted intra-racial contempt that lies beneath this inane "compliment" is the reason I've chosen to spark dialogue surrounding the topic of self-hatred in our culture. It saturates every aspect of our lives, dominating the perspectives of our generation as a whole. We culturally are so influential, at times inadvertently, that we affect all with the words we utter and the images we portray. It lends to the theory of systemic racism. I'm authoring this piece because I'm miffed by this reality and would like to share my views on these subjects.

[ . . . ]

Often dark-skinned women are considered mean, domineering and standoffish and it was these very labels that followed Michelle Obama during the campaign for her husband's presidency and which she has had to work tirelessly to combat. I was appalled when I heard a Black woman refer to Michelle Obama as unattractive. The conversation turned into why President Obama picked her as his mate. No one in the witch-hunt made reference to the possibility that Michelle Obama was smart, funny, caring, a good person, highly accomplished or brilliant. Nor did they mention that she previously was President Obama's supervisor. If she were fair skinned, petite with long straight or wavy hair, would the same opinions be linked to her? I seriously doubt it. It is believed that for the dark skinned, dreams are less obtainable.

In fact, I have read similar comments about myself that I am "dark, aggressive, bossy and bitchy." It has been stated that my husband should have been with a "younger, more beautiful" woman. Astoundingly, the majority of the remarks come from African-American women and are mimicked by others. Sadly enough, I don't know nor have I met 99% of those making these assertions. Funny, how we can judge another without having personally seen, interacted with or experienced a person's character.

[ . . . ]

Reading magazines, social media sites, watching our music videos, and television shows feed our appetites for all things 'beauty". Rarely, however do I see depictions of grace and elegance in the form of dark complexioned women.

[ . . . ]

It is my hope that our First Lady and others who share in this effort will continue to be the beacon to shine a light for those who toil on America's beauty totem pole. Now don't get me wrong or take my words out of context. I truly believe that everyone has a right to delineate what they deem is attractive, but we must not confuse perceived "attractiveness" with authentic "beauty."

.

The TV Paper Bag Test

As some of you readers may have noticed, I've been having a lively discussion with irwin in the comment section of my post "Jigaboos & Wannabees" about colorism (and Steve Harvey's alleged baldness?) in nonwhite communities. This has inspired me to issue a challenge to you all, which I like to call The TV Paper Bag Test. It's the weekend, so I'll be watching many shows on the small screen; I hope you'll be doing the same. While you're lounging on your couch stuffing your face with Cheetos, note how many light-skinned women and how many dark-skinned women you see on the TV. Dark-skinned meaning the color of a brown paper bag or darker. I'm not asking you to identify what race the women are, but what color. For instance, on weekday mornings, I watch Noticias and Despierta America on Univision, a network which features and targets the Spanish-speaking Latinos. In the many years that I've been watching, I have only seen one dark-skinned correspondent on either show, and he was a guy.

Report back to me on Monday with your findings. So far I've spotted Frangela on Best Week Ever, and Tyra, Whoopi and Sherri Shepherd who were featured in clips on The Soup. That's it. Bonus points if you see dark-skinned women who are not black.

Jigaboos & Wannabees

A few months ago, I posted the following heated pieces on this blog: I'm a normal person., I should share this with everyone!, and Agree to Disagree?. As an update on that series of posts, I offer this letter from the Strawberry 23 segment of this morning's Steve Harvey Morning Show (overuse of commas and exclamation points not mine):

Subject: Color Blinded Husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, I have been married for two years now, I have known my husband five of those years. But Shirley the longer you stay with someone you start to know a person, I am married to a man that is damn color struck, if I had known this before I married him, I would have second thoughts, it does not matter how a woman looks, if you are fair skin, or white she is pretty to him, we will be watching TV, and he will comment on someone which is okay, but they are always white or light skin, I was brought up not to have any prejudice when it comes to color, he has never said any woman that is medium to dark skin is cute, or pretty, it is just like they do not exist, this is so irritating to me, and get this I am a dark skin sister, I ask him all the time why he married me he say I am pretty etc, but it makes me think, but he is always saying that is a pretty red woman, I do not like that term for color (red) it is like he is lost in this color blindness, please help, Lost in and confused in South Carolina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shirley answered the letter in her usual levelheaded way. However, Steve had some controversial words for both the woman who wrote in and the woman's husband. The phrases "Uncle Tom" and "house negro" were used liberally. I was cracking up, not at the poor woman's situation, but at Steve's methods for dealing with this man. He suggested things like serving the husband a plate of warm cotton for dinner, putting the initials "UT" in his clothing, and placing chocolate chip cookies around the house. I like that last piece of advice for me. Yum! You can read the comments on Steve's website here until another letter appears tomorrow morning.

Your thoughts?