Somebody was in Emergency, Somebody just got out of Jail

I considered reserving judgment about this situation until more evidence was in. However, as I read through the comments on Defamer and Racialicious and Jezebel and other blogs, I thought of the West Wing episode that inspired the name of this post.

Rihanna had to be hospitalized due to her injuries, including a black eye as well as "a swollen split lip and two red and purple contusions on either side of her forehead." Chris Brown is free after posting bail, with no reported injuries. Unless Rihanna fell out of Chris's car during a high speed chase, rolled down a hill and waved her fingers at a hungry animal, I don't know what other evidence is necessary to determine that something very wrong happened early Sunday morning.

I never downloaded or purchased any Chris Brown songs, so I don't have any to delete or destroy.

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Taking it to a whole . . . 'nother . . . level.

Why must you leave me, MADtv?

Take it away, krumping clowns:

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He seemed like a nice guy to me.

Bernie Brillstein, 1931-2008, Defamer, though I first learned about this at LA Observed.

He has made some questionable statements. He also brought us Just Shoot Me!, as featured in the above clip. It's the "Christmas? Christmas!" episode with Ray Liotta. For you Man Band fans, here's a clip of the show with 98 Degrees.

We'll miss you, kid.

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When the time comes

to memorialize me in a made-for-TV movie--preferably with a title like Yeah, She Said It, or From Elijah to Backstreet, or What is She Complaining about Now?--please don't let my Randy Quaid-equivalent play me. Make the effort to sign my Dennis Quaid-equivalent instead:

Jumpstart Your Acting Career By Profiting Off The Death Of Tim Russert!, Defamer.

But who could play me? Looking through the latest Bright Young Hollywood feature from Vanity Fair, the talent pickings are slim-to-none. The closest person is Zöe Kravitz, whom the magazine made look as pale as possible. The only other option is to put a wig on Rob Brown (who?). Note in the picture that Mr. Brown, the only black guy in the entire article, is off to the left and in the back. Nice.

The entire photo spread seems to embody the qualities that the American media holds dear: racism, sexism, heternormativity. Heaven forbid a woman be allowed to drive a boat or pilot her own bike or hang out on the sand not draped over a fully-clothed beached whale. That last picture just says it all for me. Ugh.

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I, too, prefer to rent.

Breakthrough Awaits Talented Hollywood Hamster, craigslist via Defamer.

CASTING Hamster for short film (los angeles)

I am looking for a hamster.

I know I could buy one, but then I would own it. So , I was hoping to just rent one for 50 bucks for a couple hours.

The Hamster will be work in a studio shoot on a greenscreen. He is playing Rocky, the captain of a boat.

please send a picture

What part of this is not hilarious?

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Best line of the day

Regarding the $100 million costing/$20 million grossing abomination that is Speed Racer, raincoaster had this to share on Defamer:

"Who in god's name ever thought Emile Hirsch could open so much as a window?"

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Rewriting History

Newly Non-Sexist Judd Apatow Reaps Benefits of Wikipedia Whitewash, from Defamer.

If you observe Judd Apatow's pervy rom-com assembly line with even casual frequency, you probably don't need a Wikipedia entry to remind you how accusations of sexism and misogyny have plagued the writer-producer-director over the years. At least we hope you don't, because an eagle-eyed Defamer reader points out this morning how a loyal defender / relative / Universal publicist has spent the better part of the last week expunging the dirty little non-secret from the Wiki record. From Katherine Heigl to Mike White, follow the jump for a few of the latest line edits.

Booo, Wikipedia. Mr. Apatow, if your movies repeatedly showcase your fear of women, their vaginas, and what comes out of them, then it is fair to call them misogynistic. In fact, I would call them steaming piles of po--[This post has been edited by Team Apatow. We will now return to your regularly scheduled programming. Thank you.]


Also, Whither Our Superheroines? An Outraged Culture Demands To Know, from Defamer.

In all the drama surrounding Edward Norton's Hulk trouble and Iron Man star Robert Downey Jr.'s gloriously checkered past, we've overlooked one of the more conspicuous problems afflicting this summer's superhero glut. To wit: Where are all the women? Are there any comics featuring female heroes whom some studio will take a chance shepherding to the screen? At least one commentator shares our concern at Vulture, and the prognosis isn't looking good . . .

. . . Film Experience proprietor Nathaniel Rogers spent the weekend at New York's Comic-Con, recoiling from the near-second-class citizenry afforded icons like Supergirl and Batgirl while a new Jenna Jameson comic book sold like mad elsewhere in the building. Yes, we know that Elektra and Catwoman tanked, but Halle Berry's folly is no good reason for the long-awaited Wonder Woman movie to eternally inhabit Development Hell — at least not when Marvel will spend $300 million making The Incredible Hulk twice before throwing a quarter of that into spinning off Ellen Page's Kitty Pryde character from X-Men. We're just saying, boys.

That's what I'm saying, yo.

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Picks and pans

Award-Winner Spike Lee Blazes New Trails in Acceptance-Speech Racial Tension, from Defamer.

I had given up on Mr. Lee after sitting through Bamboozled and avoiding She Hate Me on principle alone (note to Spike: lesbians don't line up to have sex with men). Now he's back to making some sense.

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Making girls skinnier, one Sweet Valley High book at a time, by Jessica at Feminisiting.

. . . it seems that Random House is re-releasing the series with a new modern twist: skinnier twins . . .

In a side-by-side column comapring the 1983 version of the book with the present one, publishers write that the previous characters were a "perfect size 6." Now, they're a "perfect size 4." Charming.

Yes, this is terrible. However, the article did lead me to the insightful comments following the original Gawker post. It also led me to these sites: The Dairi Burger, and Elizabeth and Jessica are better than you. by 1bruce1. Oh, the hilarity. Here is my favorite recap so far: SVT Super Edition #4: The Unicorns Go Hawaiian. Ellen is funny!

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Speaking of funny, two of today's three Steve Harvey Strawberry Letters:

Strawberry Letter #2 Subject: I Thought My Behind Wiping Days Were Over

Good morning Shirley, Steve, Tommy and welcome back Carla. I listen to your morning show faithfully and besides the prank phone calls the Strawberry letters are my next favorite thing about the show. I never thought in a million years that I would be writing to get help. Here's my problem. My husband and I have been married for almost two years, we've been together for seven. My husband and I have gone through good and bad times, but from where my husband has come from and where he is now I thank God. He is a loving husband and father (to children that aren't biologically his) and will do anything for his family to make sure that we have what we need. And I love him for that.

My problem is do I love him enough to continue to wipe his behind when he goes to the bathroom and does number 2? My husband has put on a few pounds since we've been together and he can't reach back there and anymore (his short arms don't help). I can't even tell you how it started or why it's continues. All I keep thinking about is in sickness and in health to death due us part. It's making me sick, affecting my health and I'm about to die. Even our daughters make fun of him now. Like if he's in the bathroom and he calls my name they say "mom, dad can't wipe himself again." And I thought we were being so discreet, but I guess they can hear me in there saying "Oh my God, this don't make no sense." I don't know, it's like automatic now. I don't think he even tries. I've asked him to try this way and that way and he always says he can't reach. I tell him that I'm a doggone good wife, because if anything were to ever happen to us you ain't going to find another woman to wipe your behind. Or is he?

Am I the only wife that does this for her husband? Is there a club I can join to help me to help him? Morning show as you can see in the beginning of my letter I have a great husband and I know good men are hard to come by. We're both working on losing weight. Mine seems to be coming off a little faster than his. But then I'll ask him what he had for lunch and he'll say somehting crazy. I mean his weight is coming off, but not fast enough where he can reach his own behind. PLEASE HELP. Signed BLANK AND TIRED

Strawberry Letter #3 Subject: Is My Husband In Love With His Cousin?

Dear Steve & Shirley I have a serious problem with my husband of 7yrs almost eight years he seems to be in love with his cousin. I can not get him to spend any time with me he's always on the phone with his cousin. They call each other in the morning in the afternoon and at night. If I say anything about her or the situation he gets upset. When we do go out together she calls and he sits and talk to her instead of focusing on us. Anytime I want to just sit and talk to him she calls and he leaves me and goes in our back room in the dark and lay in bed and talk to her. He recently told me that he has traded me for her. He talks about me to her and makes her feel I am this terrible person.

Last year they made plans with out me for her to come and visit he totally ignored me while she was here and everything was about her it was like he didnt even want me around. Then one night we were sitting together in our living room she gave him the eye and they got up went out side at 12:00 am to talk and left me sitting in the living room.

That was last year now this past week they planned another visit this time I didnt know anything about it until 3 days before she was to arrive he had the nerve to ask me to clean the room for her and he was taking days off from work to spend time with her. I orginally told him no I would not clean the room for her to stay in my home again after they disrespected me the first time that's when he told me they would stay in a hotel TOGETHER can you believe that. He later apologized for not telling me and his reason he claims is because I would ruin his time with her. So the cousin came they went out to eat the whole time she was here they even went on a cruise together and to the movies and wherever else each night. He would not come home until I had gone to bed because apparently she was uncomfortable being around me. They would also take a shower every night as soon as they come in something I thought was strange. She barely even spoke to me and he was ok with that he said it's my fault and I need to apologize to him and her for even thinking something is going on between them.

STEVE & SHIRLEY PLEASE HELP I AM CONFUSED AND HURT! AM I JUST OVER REACTING???? WHAT SHALL I DO?????

Sad sad people making my life look good. :)

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Shocking Gossip

Exclusive: A Gossip Guy Comes Out! But Which One?, Ausiello Report via Defamer.

Is anyone 1) surprised, or 2) under the delusion that it's not Serena's formerly-highlighted brother Eric?

Although, I would love if the show finally admitted that Chuck is on the down low, because you know that is sooo how he rolls. "Top or bottom, Chuck? Top or bottom?"

Almost right, but not quite.

Jenna Fischer Will 'Piss On Your Face' If You Whisper The Wrong Sweet Nothing In Her Ear, from Defamer.

... now that she's a big star, she understandably has some choice words for the screenwriter who, a few years back, gave her shit for refusing to drop trou for him. In an interview with Playboy, Jenna tells a story about what happened after she ran into Halloween 5 screenwriter Shem Bitterman at a party one year into her move-west-and-act life plan. Apparently, her non-interest in starring in a "like, really raunchy" new film of his spurred the scribe to claim she was clearly "not a real actress." And while the old Jenna did nothing but go home and cry her newbie eyes out, the emboldened Office star has this to say to the Bitterman today:

"What an asshole, I should have told him, 'How about I piss on your face? Does that make me a real actress? Let's try that. I'll do that right here. I'll do that today.' Bring me Shem Bitterman."

The sentiment is all well and good, but Playboy? Complaining about female exploitation in a Playboy article makes as much sense as calling for a ban on firearms in Guns & Ammo.

Apparently real actresses only take off their clothes for computer magazines or for the children.

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Oh, the hilarity.

First, Neil Patrick Harris Is The Greatest Fairy In All The Land, from Defamer. I do enjoy my NPH.

Second, today's Strawberry Letter 23 from The Steve Harvey Morning Show. There will be a different letter posted on the site tomorrow, so I will quote it here so you can read it, too. Emphases mine; typos, poor grammar and general insanity hers:

STRAWBERRY LETTER FOR TODAY
Date: 02/19/2008
Subject: Bi-Sexual or Just Stupid

Dear Steve: I am a african american 39 year old woman and a working mother with 2 daughters. So here is the deal…I married my "soon to be ex-husband" 3 years ago. Before I married him, he told me about some legal issues that he needed to clear up. The legal issues at the time were burlary, and hit and run accident with another car. Once we were married, I found out that the burlary charge was due to him house sitting for a bi-sexual man with a wife and children. He said that he woke up to this man trying to touch him, and he was so angry that he left and came back with a buddy and burglarized his house.

The second incident was after we were married, we had an argument over me going out with some girlfriends with our kids to have 'mommy and kids' day. I came back after a day at the park and he was gone. After I realized he was gone, I went out myself only to come back in at 1:30am and my room door was locked. He forgot that I had a key, so I went on in after I did not get a response, only to find him butter-ball naked with his underwear and my underwear on the floor in the same spot, and he was knocked-out drunk. I woke this FOOL up and asked him why is he naked in the room with my underwear on the floor, this fool said that he had them on to feel closer to me.

In August 2005, he cheated but I didn’t find out until April 2006 when I went for my pap that I had a STD. So when I confronted him, he said that he cheated back in August 2005, with a crack-head. I just want to say that I was treated, and by the grace of God, cured. Then I found out that he told one of his co-workers that he was molested as a boy and that led to all this.

Look Steve and Shirley, I know that this is strange, and I am no longer in this relationship. I had to do what was best for my children and myself. Pastors alway preach on how God don't like divorce, but I do know now that when you choose someone on your own because of where you are in life at that moment, you will pick anyone, and I am so grateful to the Lord for my spiritual convictions, because I knew after forgiving and getting back with him so many times after that, I made a mistake. Me and my girls have a better relationship and we talk about things daily. Even though I made mistakes, I am honest with my girls because I don't want them making the same mistakes I made.

Now my question is after all that, from your male point of view, and yours too Tommy: Is my soon-to-be ex-husband bi-sexual? Give it to me.

Hee hee hee! I didn't read all of the responses, but here is my favorite one, unedited:

Name: Milton Hill
Age: 39
Radio Station: WBLS 107.5 FM New York, NY

I know you asked for the Morning Crew to give it to you straight but I'm gonna put my 2 cents up in here too.... Your question as for if your man is bi-sexual should not be asked. Your question should be..."WHERE CAN I FIND A DIVORCE LAWYER QUIK! Who cares if he says he is or is not. Bro Ham done went and creeped with a CRACK HEAD! That was more than enough of a hint for you to pack yo gear and BOUNCE! Not to be incredibly criticle but what kind of stupidity are you really workin with? Leave the town you and your kids are in and don't leave a forwarding address. Tell his family that you moves to Minnesota to be with Prince and the Revolution.

Does Prince know she's coming?
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My favorite posts today:

Rest In Peace Heath..., from Chelsea Talks Smack, via A Girl Named Boo.

Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy Nearly Prevents Elizabeth Hasselbeck's Voice From Being Heard On Super Tuesday, from Defamer.

Yes, I have been a sick teddy bear for the past few days. I'm feeling very Grumpy McCrankypants. Boo. :(

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Where has Elijah gone?

And how did the photographer make him look tall?

Anyhoodle, the following article immediately made me think of Stephanie:
Shia LaBeouf Models the Latest in Cow Couture, on Towelroad via Defamer.

btw, Holes is on The Disney Channel right now. I know!

This reminds me of that South Park episode

when either Stan or Kyle goes the goth kids' table and asks them about death, since they've chosen "the dark side" to define their collective personality. But the goth kids don't really know about death; it's just a trend that they are following to be "different".

Warner Bros. Left With A Major 'Dark Knight' Marketing Problem, from Defamer.

And so, with two days to let the devastating news sink in, Variety now asks the inevitable question of what's to be done with Heath Ledger's final projects--the wrapped The Dark Knight, and Terry Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus . . .

As we pointed out on Tuesday, The Dark Knight's focuses squarely and gruesomely on Ledger's chillingly effective performance as The Joker, providing an unwelcome creative predicament for WB's marketing czar . . .

I am not fully aware of the story being told in this latest installment of the Batman movies. But if I can tell anything from the poster featured in the Defamer article, The Dark Knight is supposed to be super creepy due in large part to Heath Ledger's portrayal of The Joker. Now the gang at Warner Bros. is faced with the fact that the grotesque, macabre nature of their original marketing plan can't begin to compare with the disturbing reality: a successful young actor dying of a self-induced drug overdose before that actor had even reached his peak.

That said, let's move on to my favorite comments.

JupiterSpaw says:

Nolan in post-production reintroduces secondary villain previously left on the cutting-room floor: The enigmatic Quantum Solace!

which is a reference to this latest casualty of the writers' strike: Producers Decide 'Bond 22' Not Catchy Enough, Decide To Go With 'Quantum of Solace'.

Now for more comments.

Her Royal Empress Dr. Bufflekins III, Esq. says:

Seems like a great opportunity for the project to scale back the Hollywood hard-on for marketing everything within an inch of its life until I can't imagine wanting to see it anymore . . .

BonnieGrrl makes way too much sense by saying:

This might sound crazy -- but why not just put Batman on all the posters again? Too simple?

To see what SteamyMcFirecrotch said to give me the most inappropriate of church giggles all day, you can click here.

FYI, the Batman featured above is George Clooney, circa 1997.

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I Remember!

Here's what was making me giggle yesterday: Adrian Grenier [Verbed] The [Noun] Out Of Our Commenters, from Defamer.

And subsequently the comments that follow this: Foxy Brown's Latest Victim Brilliantly Articulates Our Feelings About Celebrity, from Gawker.

Here's what's making me giggle, nay guffaw, right now: Frangela on KTLK AM 1150.

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Three related stories:

Abstinence Programs Face Rejection, by Rob Stein, The Washington Post, via Feministing.

Bush policies likely to blame for more teen births, by Cynthia Tucker, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, via Feministing.

Knocked-Up Jamie-Lynn Spears Carrying On Britney's Troubled Family Tradition, Defamer.

My first thought was, How old was Solange (yes, that Solange), when she had her scandalous baby?

My second thought was, TedSez is funny.

My third thought was, Vanessa and her fellow Mouseketeers must be cracking up right now.

I'm still not changing my name.

Buffy the Name-Taker, by Ann at Feministing.

As a fifth anniversary gift to her husband, Freddie Prince, Jr., Sarah Michelle Gellar has changed her name to Sarah Michelle Prinze.

"On their anniversary, she showed [Freddie] her new driver's license," the source tells Us. "It was so sweet."

Despite the fact that Gellar Prinze has said she isn't a feminist, I was still pretty surprised by this. Does the concept of giving away your own name as a birthday gift seem a little fucked up to anyone else? It doesn't strike me as weird to change your name of your own accord, even several years into the marriage. But framing it as a "gift" makes it seem like a sacrifice rather than something she wanted to do for herself. Kind of like the difference between "I got a boob job because I wanted one" and "I got a boob job for my husband's birthday."

From the comments section on Defamer, Bufflekins weighs in on this announcement:

If only Reese Witherspoon had changed her name to Reese Phillippe...perhaps it could have changed so very much. Sigh. Oh well, so much poignant history.

String_Bean_Jen sums up my sentiments in the Feministing comments:

My insides always sag a little when I hear about women changing their surnames to their partners' upon marriage. It is practically the only 'choice' confronting women that I remain absolutely rigid on saying no to when it comes to calling one's self a feminist. I think it is a practice that needs to die and I have yet to hear/read a smart, solid argument about why a woman should or would choose to change her surname to her partner's upon marriage (or in this case, 5 years after marriage), even on this fabulous blog/forum.

And another gem from cherylp:

If it was really free choice, maybe the majority of society would acknowledge that I even have a choice... Yes women have a choice. By law. But in fact, the patriarchy places so much pressure on women to make one particular choice...

You are awesome, antigone. If it was truly a choice, wouldn't people choose things at about the same rate? But they don't, suggesting something else is going on.

This reminds me of the argument I've had a bazillion times about marriage with my mother (I'm not keen on participating). By all means, 'technically' I have a choice about that... but then why do 95% of people still do the same thing? I mean, wouldn't it be like 50/50 if it was a real choice?

Two related articles

Ladies! Meet Available Striking Writers, from today's Defamer via Craigslist.

With a male-to-female ratio nearly as favorable as that of the average nuclear submarine crew, there is perhaps no better place for single women to prowl for companionship than their local WGA picket line . . .

And from the May 9, 2007, issue of Defamer: Hollywood Diversity Shocker: White Guys Still Doing All The Writing, which I grouched about earlier this year.

I knew there was something weird and strangely familiar about all of these strike videos. Okay, so there were three (two and a half?) black men featured in the video above. But they weren't writers. And none of the people speaking from the podium were female. Also, when Dennis Haysbert was on the screen, I kept wondering when he would tell us about Allstate's stand.

I Don't Want to Be

any of these losers: AMPTP Dedicated To Feeding Delicious Content To Hungry Screens, from Defamer.





Also, TV Blogs Go Dark in Solidarity with the Writers Guild of America, by Liz at Glowy Box, via Defamer.

On November 13th, this blog and the blogs listed below will be on strike for the day in solidarity with the Writers Guild of America. As fellow writers and as TV fans, we are coming together to express our strong support for the writers and their goals. We believe that when a writer's work makes money for a company, that writer deserves to be paid . . .

You may notice, as TheStarterWife did, that Television Without Pity is conspicuously missing from that list of 17, even though its arguably most famous contributor of yore is a strike captain. As far as I know, the blog, which is now owned by Bravo/NBC Universal/GE/The Sheinhardt Wig Company, has not mentioned the strike once. Last year, before the takeover, I'm pretty sure the strike would have taken up a whole lot of space on the front page, with recappers' hypotheses and Mondo Extra interviews with writers on the front lines. If the TWoP co-founders Tara Ariano and Sarah D. Bunting are really "[maintaining] complete editorial independence, despite now being a tiny division of General Electric", then they are doing a sucky job. Also, the new TV Guide-esque design of the site looks stinky-pooh.

Has Joseph Gordon-Levitt gotten arrested yet?

No More Mr. Nice Guy: LaBeouf Busted For Drunken Walgreens Loitering, and more on the story from The Smoking Gun, via Defamer

Shia LaBeouf, who starred in "Disturbia" and "Transformers," and stars in the upcoming Indiana Jones sequel, was arrested about 2:25 a.m. at the [Walgreens] store at 757 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago police spokesman Marcel Bright said.

A security guard summoned police after LaBeouf refused several commands to leave the store, Bright said.

The guard signed a complaint against the actor, who was cited on a misdemeanor count of trespassing.

Are you still loving The Beef, ladies?