"Hey, I know you. Lance Armstrong!"

Zac Efron's Pool Party from Zac Efron

Thank goodness I do not have an Uncle Hank. Though I would like to hang out with Lance Bass.

.

Three related stories:

Abstinence Programs Face Rejection, by Rob Stein, The Washington Post, via Feministing.

Bush policies likely to blame for more teen births, by Cynthia Tucker, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, via Feministing.

Knocked-Up Jamie-Lynn Spears Carrying On Britney's Troubled Family Tradition, Defamer.

My first thought was, How old was Solange (yes, that Solange), when she had her scandalous baby?

My second thought was, TedSez is funny.

My third thought was, Vanessa and her fellow Mouseketeers must be cracking up right now.

I apologize to Zac Efron.

After multiple (two) of you readers pointed out that Mr. Efron may not have leaked Ms. Hudgens's pictures on the internet, I will no longer label Zac guilty until proven innocent. Until the IP addresses are checked, Mr. Efron is just an unfortunate bystander. I'm sorry, sir.

My apology was also sparked by this developing situation, which I discovered on People via Defamer: High School Musical nudity update.

In a shocking--just shocking!--development in the Vanessa Hudgens Nudie Photos Scandal, a "source close to the situation" says that the High School Musical libertine sent the racy images to Drake Bell...star of Nickelodeon's Josh and Drake. We know! Already-enraged Disney Channel execs will be additionally livid about Hudgens' disloyal decision to show her body to a direct competitor's horny talent.

However, Mr. Bell's rep reports, "Drake says he never received those photos."

I feel like I'm in an episode of Law and Order where Sam Waterston and his supermodel Assistant DA keep arresting the wrong suspects.

The best part? The comments.

From Ben:

What about Malcolm? Was he in the middle?

And from El SmrtMnky:

ironically, zac efron emailed naked photos of himself to drake bell, too.

So wrong, yet so funny.

Also, since Stephanie is into the younger men, I wonder which one she would choose:

Drake?


Or Zac?


What about a Jonas brother?


Not the middle one, readers. Nick's not legal yet.

For readers like my Mummy who could never tell the difference between Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC, there are five separate people in these photos. However, Drake is featured in two of them: the picture at the top of the post with the birds, and the picture right below his name and the question mark.

What She Said.

Remember, kids: just because you put someone on a pedestal, it doesn’t mean you get to keep them there if they want off, by zuzu on Feministe.

...Mind you, the person [Vanessa Hudgens] sent this picture to was not only her boyfriend, but her co-star, Zac Efron (who looks not at all like a real person). And yet where is the outrage over this squeaky-clean teen looking at dirty pictures (or, for that matter, his role in it getting onto the internet from his email)? For that matter, does anyone remember that the person who actually ripped off Janet Jackson’s bodice was Justin Timberlake? About the only guy I can remember anyone getting all het up about doing something naughty was Daniel Radcliffe, and that probably had more to do with him being so closely associated with Harry Potter than with “Daniel Radcliffe is a role model.”...

I do remember how JT left Janet hanging in the breeze when that wardrobe malfunction happened. I was well angry when she apologized, because she had no need to. It was a fake boob that was on the screen for maybe three seconds. During that same Super Bowl broadcast, there were at least two commercials for two separate erectile dysfunction medications. There was also a football game, where big sweaty men throw each other to the ground, then pat each other on the behind. Janet should not have apologize for anything. It was Justin's fault, and even so, it was an accident. The people who called into CBS were mad because Justin is white and Janet is black, and interracial sex still scares certain people. You know who those certain people are, I don't need to name names. As some comic said at some point in time, the wardrobe malfunction wouldn't have been such a big deal if it had been Britney's boob.

Onto Daniel Radcliffe and Vanessa Hudgens. Daniel chose to get naked on stage at 17 in Equus. In that role, he also simulated gouging out the eyes of horses. He now wants to inflict his nude, animal-abusing self on American theater-goers and movie audiences. Everyone knew about those choices from the preproduction of the fifth Harry Potter movie till the moment it opened in theaters this summer. I'd heard nary a word about whether the individual portraying the title character in a ubiquitous franchise aimed at children should make such controversial choices; he's a role model for kids all around the world. I mean, horse gouging? Really?

But let one unauthorized image come out of "that girl from High School Musical"--no, not that one--and American parents are up in arms. Technically, it's only two LA mothers, who have so much more to worry about considering they're raising their kids in Los Angeles: the mecca for the superficial and self-absorbed. Vanessa is 18 years old. She is not a "wonderful, pure innocent person;" she is an actor playing a part in two Disney movies. She sent a photo of herself, sans clothes, to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend then leaked the private photo onto the internet, without her consent. Who is the actual poor role model in this situation? Hint: this guy!

Someone needs to listen to...

...Big Boy in the Morning. Because I do. That's how I know Defamer should check its facts before re-reporting stories:

K-Fed Learns From Britney Mistakes, Targets Baby Momma With Active Income And Radio Connections.

Kevin Federline, proud possessor of some of the most potent baby-batter in all of pimpdom, has pulled no punches in trying to negotiate custody of his children away from their increasingly unhinged mother, who will now only communicate through angry couplets scribbled into a spiral notebook and cryptic messages on her website. The National Enquirer, meanwhile, reports the "PopoZão" singer may have already found his next baby momma:

[Jeannette Walls of MSNBC reports] "The aspiring rocker has been dating Los Angeles hip-hop radio personality Liz Hernandez, according to the National Enquirer."

However, the main topic in Big Boy's Neighborhood this morning was how Liz clearly is not dating Kevin Federline. The Liz and K-Fed story is being reported all over the world, but according to Liz, it's false. Supposedly Liz recently started dating some non-famous guy whom Big and the Neighborhood refer to as "Sebastian LaFontaine" on the air, so as not to reveal his true identity. Liz and Big and Jeff and Tattoo were feeling all guilty, because they knew they have regularly reported celebrity rumors as facts before, just like the rest of the media is now doing with Liz.

In Defamer's defense, the story was originally reported by the news organization who has employed Joe Scarborough, Tucker Carlson, and Don Imus: MSNBC. And MSNBC's main source was The National Enquirer. Hmm.

This turn of events has inspired me to create my own unsubstantiated celebrity rumor. Which sketchy, recently separated "artist" with multiple baby mommas should I attach myself to?

Also, because these amused me: Separated By The L Word and Separated By Gay Hair, from Perez Hilton.

Hey! There's someone I could attach myself to, Kathy Griffin-style. Zac, not Perez, ew. And don't call the cops on me, people: Zac is 19.

I can see the headlines now:

BAD NEWS FOR VANESSA: Z-EF HAS A NEW LOVE.

According to STEVE THE PENGUIN--the premium source for self-righteous snark on pop culture and politics--the star of High School Musical and Hairspray has ended his relationship with fellow teen sensation Vanessa Hudgens, and has been spotted around town with low-profile Hollywood assistant Bianca Erin-Dempsey.

"Zac is definitely thrilled with Bianca," says a source. "He talks about her all the time — how smart she is, how she's marketed herself so well, and how beautiful she is. He's serious about her."

"Bianca is trying to keep [the romance] quiet because she doesn’t want it to get around work, but Zac can’t help but brag about his new worldly girlfriend to his friends and family," the source told STEVE THE PENGUIN. "He has watched every one of Bianca's derivative student films in his home. She likes to watch him cook, and Zac loves that because he could never express his culinary side with Vanessa" says the source, who adds that Erin-Dempsey thinks Efron's contractual obligation to The Disney Channel is "adorable."