"You either have a penis, or you don't."

"I do not."

You would have to be crazy to run for Congress. Or rich. Either. Or both.


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Someday I'll testify before Congress in character

Maybe we could offer more visas to the immigrants who, let's face it, will probably be doing these jobs anyway. And this improved legal status might allow immigrants recourse if they're abused. And it just stands to reason to me that if your co-worker can't be exploited, then you're less likely to be exploited yourself.

And that itself might improve pay and working conditions on these farms. And eventually Americans may consider taking these jobs again.

Or maybe that's crazy. Maybe the easier answer is just to have scientists develop vegetables that pick themselves. The genetic engineers at Fruit of the Loom have made great strides in human-fruit hybrids.

The point is, we have to do something because I am not going back out there. At this point I break into a cold sweat at the sight of a salad bar.

Stephen Colbert Hearing (VIDEO): Updates From Colbert's Visit To Congress, Jason Linkins, The Huffington Post.

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Who's learning Spanish now?

From The Washington Post, via Racialicious: Spanish Lesson: Two Constituencies, Two Campaigns? What You Need Is Another Tongue, by David Montgomery.

Off the campaign trail, on Capitol Hill, tune your ears to the new frequency. It's no longer just the cafeteria staff chattering in Spanish. At 7:30 a.m. on Tuesdays and Wednesdays is Spanish class for a half-dozen Democratic House members. The immigration debate has brought advocates on both sides of the issue who are comfortable in both languages. You see pink, sweating gringo faces in reception rooms off the Senate floor suddenly burst into staccato Spanish.

All this Spanish makes politicians nervous: An identical legislative amendment to uphold English passed easily last year. Yet they press on, rolling their r-r-r-r's, auditioning to follow Dodd's and Sen. Barack Obama's example in delivering the weekly Hispanic Radio Address,

What's going on here? Let's translate.

The fact is, the politics of language is one thing, and the language of politics is another. Language is both a tool and a value.

The politics of language requires a politician to honor that sacred and hard-to-define concept, the "American identity." The language of politics is about getting votes -- and pragmatically accepting that every day, including Election Day, the American identity speaks in many tongues.

I'd better not catch any of the more vocal immigrant-haters in one of those classes. Or maybe people like Bill O'Reilly and John McCain--who are worried about foreigners breaking down "the white, Christian, male power structure"--should attend classes like these, and learn some cultural acceptance.

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In even more incendiary news: Know Your Place, Woman: BET’s Meet the Faith on Black Marriage, by Latoya Peterson, on Racialicious.

“Black men don’t want a partner, they want wives.” — Lopez-Pierre

It should be noted that Lake jumped all over him for making this assertion. Lopez-Pierre went on to argue that a partner indicates an equal. While I could not catch everything he said (which is why I can’t quote this part), he stated that having an equal or a partner basically means he has to respect the time of his partner, which would mean he would need to do things to help out like make dinner, or clean the house, which is something he refuses to do. Ergo, he wants a wife - not a partner. Lopez-Pierre talks about his relationship with his wife as an example. It is interesting to see where he draws the distinction - a partner is someone you have to pay attention to, a wife is a person who accommodates her man...

...the focus comes back to black women having the wrong attitude about marriage - but what is the right attitude? To be willing to lay aside everything you worked for in order to have a functional relationship?

Lopez-Pierre again takes another opportunity to drive home his opinion that women need to focus more on being wives and supporting their husbands. Apparently, that will enable women to catch a good man. (Interestingly enough, none of these men mention the need to be financially independent as one of the triggers of modern feminism was women being abandoned by the husbands they devoted themselves to, becoming destitute and dealing with the double blow of emotional pain and financial stress.)

Hmph. Something needs to be done about this Thomas Lopez-Pierre. He could do with some feminist rehab. Here are some more choice quotes from the owner of the brothel--I mean, social organization--called the Harlem Club:

"If I cheat on my wife, it is not a reason for her to divorce me…if a wife cheats on her husband, she would be a whore."

Sir, it's not whoring if you do it for free.

“The problem for black women is so bad, we should be grateful that white men are willing to date them......My problem with white men is that they take our best women - let them take some of these women from the projects, the ones with three and four kids!”

What about the ones with five kids? Don't they deserve a white man, too?

And from the 2004 New York Times article, Only the Gorgeous and Smart Need Apply, by Sherri Day:

"I didn't marry my wife because she was a kind, sensitive woman...I married her because she is a complete package. I married her because she takes her butt to the gym, and she keeps it tight for me. I want it all, and I got it all. There are men who want the same."

What a catch. Sign me up for a patronizing "associate" membership!

Ooh, but wait. Lopez-Pierre "[deletes] the e-mail applications of overweight women." Oh well. I don't have to join some New York club. I can be discriminated against by men in my own state, thank you very much.