My husband won't be doofy.

Well maybe doofy, but not functionally incompetent. And he will be cooking and cleaning, because he will be a grown adult. But if he ever forgets his own birthday, that means it is time to take him to the special doctor.

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"How would you describe your sexual experience in terms of tomatoes?"

"Spaghetti sauce."

I wonder why there aren't any dating advice books called Think Like a Woman for men. Maybe publishers think men can't read. Like Jordan Catalano.

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"This product is definitely for washing your face."

"Yep."

Ha!

This product is definitely for shaving your legs. This product is definitely for massaging your back.

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My favorite part of Super Bowl Sunday

It was Super Special indeed. Thank you, Sarah Haskins!

The video is 48 minutes and nine seconds long, so pace yourself.

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But I don't want to marry Colin Firth.

Hilarious! Also, can't birth control simply focus on controlling potential births instead of giving women fewer periods? "What if getting fewer periods and taking hormones will turn me into a mutant?"