This is how far we have come

Obama's victory caps struggles of previous generations. Hooray!

New Congress turns more -- much more -- Democratic. Hooray!

Prop. 2, animal protection measure, wins. Hooray for the animals that we're going to eat?

Early numbers favor same sex marriage ban in California. What?

I would like to note that over 6 million Californians voted to protect the animals, while under 5 million Californians voted to protect the rights of their fellow human beings.

Some may say, "you should be happy about the first black guy in the White House." Well, I am happy that the reign of terror will be over soon. However, the video below displays one of the many reasons why I continue to be concerned, nay disappointed, in the direction of this country, especially with two men in charge who think that some people should be separate but equal:

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Some articles informing my angst-ridden perspective:

When Mom and Dad Share It All, by Lisa Belkin, The New York Times Magazine, via Feministing. Emphases mine.

. . . "If you gave people a survey they would probably check all the answers about how things should be equal," says Francine M. Deutsch, a psychology professor at Mount Holyoke and the author of "Halving It All: How Equally Shared Parenting Works." But when they get to the part where "you ask them how things work for them day to day," she says, "ideal does not match reality."

Deutsch has labeled the ideal "equally shared parenting," a term the Vachons have embraced. DeGroot prefers "shared care," because "shared parenting" is used to describe custody arrangements in a divorce, and while "equal" would be nice, it is a bar that might be too high for some families to even try to clear. Whatever you call it, the fact that it has to have a name is a most eloquent statement of both the promise and the constraints facing families today.

"Why do we have to call it anything?" Amy [Vachon] asks.

Marc [Vachon] adds, "Why isn't this just called parenting?" . . .

Why indeed, Mr. Vachon?

. . . The most recent figures from the University of Wisconsin’s National Survey of Families and Households show that the average wife does 31 hours of housework a week while the average husband does 14 — a ratio of slightly more than two to one. If you break out couples in which wives stay home and husbands are the sole earners, the number of hours goes up for women, to 38 hours of housework a week, and down a bit for men, to 12, a ratio of more than three to one. That makes sense, because the couple have defined home as one partner’s work.

But then break out the couples in which both husband and wife have full-time paying jobs. There, the wife does 28 hours of housework and the husband, 16. Just shy of two to one, which makes no sense at all.

The lopsided ratio holds true however you construct and deconstruct a family. "Working class, middle class, upper class, it stays at two to one," says Sampson Lee Blair, an associate professor of sociology at the University at Buffalo who studies the division of labor in families.

"And the most sadly comic data is from my own research," he adds, which show that in married couples "where she has a job and he doesn’t, and where you would anticipate a complete reversal, even then you find the wife doing the majority of the housework." . . .

So I get to bring home the bacon and fry it up, too? Yippee skippy.

. . . Messages, loud and soft, direct and oblique, reinforce contextual choice. "A pregnant woman and her husband," Deutsch says, "how many people have asked her if she is going to go back to work after the baby? How many have asked him?". . .

I would certainly ask him, because I'm not sitting on my duff at home. I'd get bored and cranky.

. . . "It’s a chicken-and-egg thing," she says. "Even when men and women start off with equal jobs, they make decisions along the way — to emphasize career or not, to trade brutal hours for high salary or not."

She goes on to suggest that the perception of flexibility is itself a matter of perception. In her study, she was struck by how often the wife’s job was seen by both spouses as being more flexible than the husband’s. By way of example she describes two actual couples, one in which he is a college professor and she is a physician and one in which she is a college professor and he is a physician. In either case, Deutsch says "both the husband and wife claimed the man’s job was less flexible." . . .

I have actually witnessed this phenomenon first-hand multiple times. It's sad how little women value their own work in comparison to the work of men.

Also,

. . . Women, she says, know that the world is watching and judging. If the toddler’s clothes don’t match, if the thank-you notes don’t get written, if the house is a shambles, it is seen as her fault, making her overly invested in the outcome . . .

Mmhmm. My clothes didn't match during my birthday party one year. I'm pretty sure anyone with a small child knew what my garish ensemble meant: I was the one who had selected my outfit that day. But yes, the world does watch and judge women under the assumption that they are the Primary Parents, while it simultaneously praises men for simply showing up.

Next!

Gay unions shed light on gender in marriage, by Tara Parker-Pope, New York Times, via Feministing. Emphases mine.

. . . Notably, same-sex relationships, whether between men or women, were far more egalitarian than heterosexual ones. In heterosexual couples, women did far more of the housework; men were more likely to have the financial responsibility; and men were more likely to initiate sex, while women were more likely to refuse it or to start a conversation about problems in the relationship. With same-sex couples, of course, none of these dichotomies were possible, and the partners tended to share the burdens far more equally.

While the gay and lesbian couples had about the same rate of conflict as the heterosexual ones, they appeared to have more relationship satisfaction, suggesting that the inequality of opposite-sex relationships can take a toll.

"Heterosexual married women live with a lot of anger about having to do the tasks not only in the house but in the relationship," said Esther Rothblum, a professor of women's studies at San Diego State University. "That's very different than what same-sex couples and heterosexual men live with." . . .

Eek. That's not encouraging. Maybe that's why I'm not married; I have my own stuff to deal with. Why would I want to (pretend to) clean someone else's house, too?

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How about this? Don't change your name.

Name change tricky for working women [I guess the change is simpler for the lazy bums who can't find a job?], at CNN.com/living [where the Women's issues are shoved] via AngryBlackBitch.

Well before her wedding, Lauren Abraham decided she would take her husband's last name, Mahoney.

First, she became Lauren Abraham Mahoney, then Lauren Mahoney, confusing her co-workers at Home Depot headquarters in Atlanta. The tedious legal process of switching her name took about nine months to complete.

Finally, more than a year after her wedding, the 29-year-old e-mailed 160 friends and acquaintances to alert them to a new e-mail account and clarify her identity.

"As I was meeting people over the last year with my new name, and I gave them my e-mail address, it was my old name, which they didn't know," she said.

Changing one's surname after marriage is still more common than not for women, often because they hope it will make for fewer complications in the long run, when they have children.

Except for the fact that 1 out of every 2 married couples will get divorced, and the husband, the wife and the kids might all end up with different names.

Leslie Levine, a health policy analyst, took a more gradual approach when she changed her name twice for two marriages over six years. She first used her maiden name as a middle name so the network of contacts she built up could find her.

After "two marriages over six years", one would think the impracticality of changing your name multiple times would sink in.

"There are costs of keeping your name and costs of changing your name and it's a matter of balancing the two," said [Harvard economist Claudia Goldin].

Other tips for changing your name after marriage include:

• Don't throw your old driver's license away for at least six months. It will help when traveling. Hotels, airlines or car rentals may have your old information, especially if you're using a travel agent through work.

• If you travel internationally, make sure your passport matches your ticket. A new passport can be ordered in the mail.

• Order extra certified copies of your marriage license. You'll need one when you change your name with Social Security.

• Change your Social Security card through the mail by downloading an application the Social Security Administration Web site. It may take longer, a few weeks, but you won't need to take a day off from work.

• Remember to change the title to your car, your voter registration, bank accounts, credit cards and subscriptions. Notify your college alumni office, frequent flier programs, etc.

That doesn't sound complicated at all! What I want to know is, Ms. Goldin, what exactly is the cost of keeping your name? The quiet disapproval of your uptight family and friends? Because you're going to get that no matter what you do.

I have been pondering this question for the past month, ever since another of my female Facebook friends got married, changed her name, and made me question yet again, "who the heck is so-and-so, and why is she my Facebook friend?" It's not like these people have distinctive first names, like AnnaSophia or Weeping Willow. So when they change their last names, their past identity is practically erased. They are now someone's wife, not an individual with a valid, vibrant past. Luckily these friends can't see me in person, because the disappointment is written all over my face. It's so sad.

I have many complex issues wrapped up in this name-changing situation, so come along with me for the ride. The train stops here for today, but next week, we will continue to chug along. Choo-choo!

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Why do I read?

I was perusing MSN.com on Monday and I found the article below. Something bugged me about it, but I couldn't figure out what until now:

Married at 24: Crazy in Love or Just Crazy? by Elissa Schappell, Marie Clare.

...It was November 1986. I was fighting my way down the congested stairway at Track 10 in New York's Penn Station, heading for a southbound Amtrak train, when the hand of fate flung my future husband and me together...

...It wasn't the discovery of my inner murderess that made my blood run cold. It was the idea that I wanted this man — not for the challenge or the novelty or the kicks. I wanted him to be mine. Forever. And I wasn't ready for that sort of love. It was too soon!...

Too soon? She was 24. How many kids did the Duggars have by then?

...Having never lived alone — I'd gone from a communal house in college to having roommates in New York City to living with Rob — I had never had any privacy. Even though I didn't feel dependent on my roommates, I wasn't exactly independent. In hindsight, it would have been good for me to realize I could live alone, with no one to let me in when I forgot my key, no one to pay the bills, no one to talk to me in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep.

On the other hand, Rob and I hadn't had a chance to develop the deadening domestic routines that can come with years of living alone. We had no issues regarding how the bathroom should be cleaned, no boring rituals like insisting every Sunday be spaghetti night. And while we were both occasionally haunted by the specter of old lovers, there was no tangible wreckage to deal with. No insurance dramas, no divvying up of real estate or sharing of country houses. No issues of custody regarding pets or children.

Yes, it's better that you never grew into an independent person because now you don't the burden of . . . fighting over when to clean the bathroom? What?

Even if I got married tomorrow morning, I wouldn't have any drama regarding domestic routines, real estate, pets or children, because I have none of the above. Yet I have been living independently since my junior year of college. Someone has to clean the bathroom at some point in time. I don't see what that has to do with paying your own bills or forgetting your key. How did she get out of the house? I guess that's a function of her living in New York, because in LA, you can't get very far if you don't have your car keys.

And yet, even as I was grateful for my mostly happy marriage, there were times when I was jealous of my unmarried friends' romantic dramas. It's twisted, but when my friends talked about how, through some intricate web of sexual liaisons, they'd all gotten genital warts from the same guy, who supposedly got them from a girl who'd slept with a famously promiscuous rock star, I envied them [sic] the rock star's genital warts.

That's just nasty. She needs to get over herself.

But there's been a downside for me, too. While I knew that committing to Rob obviously meant a big change in my life — it would really cut into my dating — it never occurred to me how tying the knot might affect my career... I was a wife. Off-limits. Some days it seemed everywhere I looked — publishing, retail, the art world — doors were opening for single women simply because they still had sexual currency to spread around.

Boo-freaking-hoo. I'm so sure Rob is sorry that his lifelong commitment to Ms. Schappell "cut into [her] dating" and prevented her from spreading around her "sexual currency" in hopes of sleeping her way up the ladder of success.

As a feminist, I was embarrassed and horrified by the idea that a woman today (say, me) would use sex, or the promise of it, to get ahead, but it did seem you could move up the ladder of success a lot faster if you were potentially available. When, at a party, a very famous, very dashing older novelist put his hand around my waist and asked me if I wanted to go skinny-dipping later that evening, my first thought was, Wouldn't that be a story to tell the grandchildren? Forget that — wouldn't it be good for my career? My second thought: I'm married. "I can't," I said, regretfully holding up my left hand, feeling like I was flashing an invisible handcuff. "Oh, come on," he said in a conspiratorial whisper. Then, before I could answer, he shrugged and moved on. I felt a pang.

Her first thought was "a story to tell the grandchildren?" If she went skinny-dipping with some old dude, she wouldn't be having any grandchildren. At least not with Rob. And apparently, she couldn't have told grandpa no if she hadn't been married? I have repeatedly turned down old dudes, and I don't have a ring, I mean, "handcuff."

The more I read this, the more I want to call up Rob and tell him, "Take the baby, and get out now!"

Date Rape and Name Changing

I love this cake!

I found this video from The Onion on today's Pajiba Love: J.K. Rowling Hints At Harry Potter Date Rape. I have my own thoughts about it, but I'd like to hear yours, too. Second opinions are nice when they're requested. Subsequently, I found this video,
Onion News Network : Panda Demands Abortion, which I actually found amusing. I guess abortion can be funny. But rape? No.

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In marital news, What's in a name? by Jessica on Feministing:

...Even before identifying as a feminist, the whole changing your name thing never really made sense to me. I mean, what's the point outside of upholding an antiquated sexist tradition? You want to share a last name with your partner for feeling-like-a-family and kid purposes? Ok. What about hyphenation? Or taking the woman's last name? And I'm sorry, I don't buy the "it's just easier" argument. What's easy about changing your name and all that paperwork? Ugh.

I'm in the minority opinion on this one, 81 percent of women getting married intend to change their last names. (An aside: Can I just how much I love that National Review writer and IWF's token young woman Alison Kasic says that I'm crazy radical for my opinion on name-changing? The day the National Review doesn't think I'm radical, I'll have a problem.)...

As I have told my friends and associates, I'm not changing my name unless I go into the Witness Protection Program. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my kids if I have them with someone else, especially someone with a hyphenated last name like mine. That'll be fun. I know I'd be hard-pressed to not give my kids my name. I don't care who it ticks off, they're getting my name. The question isn't whether there will be a hyphen, but how many.