From Sepia Mutiny, Dearest Pecola, I Want to Weep, by anna, found after reading her more current musing, PostSecret isn't always tragic. As one might expect, a whole heap of comments followed that post.
I have never wanted to be white. During my lifetime, I have wanted lots of physical changes in my body, including longer hair, more manageable hair, browner hair, a smaller nose, less "insulation", smaller feet, less dermatological issues, no allergies, less susceptibility to colds. However, most of those desires were based on wanting to be more like the people around me, who, during my St. Thomas years, were mostly black. That was normal to me then. Being white was not quite the socially-instituted default position that it is here on the US mainland. Growing up in St. Thomas, it was just another color to me, not something to either envy or despise.
I have complained on here and in real life about many situations that would have ended differently or would never have occurred at all if I were white. Many of those same situations also would not have occured if I were male. And if I were a white male...well, then there would be no need for this blog.
If--holding every other defining factor in my life constant--I were white, things would be a lot different in my life. I can't fathom the difference it would have made in my growing up, because that would my a time-space continuum, Back to the Future study of epic proportions. I do know that my college life and post-collegiate career would have been different in at least three ways:
1. I would have had more friends (though their quality would be debatable).
2. I would probably have dated someone, or multiple people by now (again, of debatable quality).
3. I would be infinitely more successful in my career (and possibly be equally disappointed in it, if not more so).
I know life would have been easier for me over the past eight years if I were a white woman with the same instinct and abilities that I have now. I probably would have gotten most of the stuff I have wanted and have worked hard for in my professional and personal life. If any of you would like further explanation of my unsubstantianted claim, please ask politely.
Having said all of that, I again state that I have never wanted to be white. Not that being white is a bad thing. Although, considering the track record of white people over the course of recorded history, with all the conquering, enslavement, and exploitation of peoples on six continents, I understand the hesitation towards lumping yourself in with pale people at large.
As Daria said in the first episode of her eponymous series, "I don't have low self-esteem...I have low esteem for everyone else." I don't dislike myself for not being white. I dislike other people who treat me like I'm different because I have a skin with a high melanin content, naturally kinky hair and a relatively wide nose. I dislike people making assumptions about me based on some woman they saw on The Apprentice. I dislike that this is the level of discourse about the 2008 Presidential election. I dislike that it took till 2007 to begin even a meager national discourse on misogyny in hip-hop.
But I don't dislike myself, the color of my skin, or the ongoing history of my people. All of my people: women, black people, feminists, pop-culture enthusiasts, entertainers, writers, comedians, Americans, St. Thomians, Angelenos, advocates for social change. All of my people are discounted, disparaged or simply ignored by our white patriarchal, hyper-masculine society. That doesn't mean I should change myself to fit in. It means I should facilitate change in my society, so we can all fit in, and we can all feel normal.
