Monday, February 19, 2007

What I'm Watching This Presidents' Day.

This morning I'm watching the Black Men Revealed marathon on TV One. "Why He Won't Go to Church" is on right now. Next up is "Head to Toe: Turn Ons and Turn Offs." Earlier I watched part of "Black Male Mythology" featuring Martin from The Cosby Show, who believes his straight marriage should be valued more than any gay or lesbian marriage. Hmph. Then, as I was rotating my laundry, I watched most of "When White is Right," with this fool named Ocean, who prefers dating white women because they're easy, and doesn't like dating black women because they won't put up with his crap. However he doesn't like when black women date white men because he doesn't like the image he has in his head of them having sex.

I'm liking the show, and I'm wondering why this type of conversation isn't being shown most other networks. Not just a show displaying coherent black men, but coherent people having rich discussions about cultural topics. I don't hear about anything like this on CNN or, god forbid, Fox News.

Also, I've been watching LOGO, now that it's part of my cable package. I revisited Can't Get A Date this weekend. Of course, LOGO only shows the gay and lesbian episodes, so I may never get to see the lost straight episodes since VH1 isn't showing it anymore. Harumph.

As I was perusing the LOGO website, I came across Laughing Matters More, "a reality-based romp with four of the hottest lesbian comics working today." Why Kathleen Madigan isn't involved, I don't know. But anyway. Why can't Comedy Central have more women comedians featured like this? Or even, different comedians in general? I do enjoy some Comedy Central, but much as I love reruns of Chappelle's Show, I don't need anymore regurgitated incarnations of Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia. They really need to change it up and diversify their product to keep up with the demographics of our American society. If Comedy Central is leaving me behind, (or is it the other way around?) then I know other people like me are looking for other entertainment outlets as well. And demanding that YouTube take down clips of Crank Yankers and The Daily Show is not going to take care of the problem.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

I'm Quoting Jimmy Kimmel Now?

Who'd have thunk that would ever happen? I guess I can't be offended by the original co-host of The Man Show every time he speaks.

"This Sunday, February 11th, is a very important day in our nation’s history.
It’s the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face.
... It could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration has
done." ---Jimmy Kimmel

So true, Jimmy. So true.

Enjoy the rest of the compiled snark on Cheers and Jeers at Daily Kos.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Musings from an Adorable American: "It's Valentine's Day?" Edition

Things of various importance that have been on my mind this week:

On Saturday morning, I stumbled upon this day long event on C-SPAN, while I was wading through the jungle that is the new TimeWarner Cable program guide. Ugh. This whole channel grouping thing is not helpful to me at all. I'm just confused and frustrated, and my networks aren't where they are supposed to be!

Back to the black people. I watched this program before and after the Barack Obama Presidential Campaign announcement--which C-SPAN cut to, then came back--and before and after I went to Step class at my gym.

Lots of pertinent issues were discussed by the usual suspects, like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, as well as other distinguished panelists. Even though Sharpton and Jackson are both ministers, I still can't tell you what their actual jobs are. They just seem to be on call whenever people like Michael Richards or Joe Biden need to apologize to the black community.

The most striking part of the State of the Black Union was not the gospel dance party afterwards that moderator Tavis Smiley didn't expect C-SPAN to stick around for. (What were they going to cut to, an empty Senate chamber? It was Saturday. That follow-up musical performance was the most exciting spectacle C-SPAN has covered in a long time.) The most striking part was that the majority of issues discussed were important to every American: health care, the growing prison population, education, employment, financial matters, the illegal occupation of Iraq. The event could have been called, "The State of the Union, and we just happen to be Black." This conversation was way more informative and engaging than either George W. Bush's State of the Union address this year, or the Democratic Party's response delivered by Senator Jim Webb. Just like Nickelodeon and Linda Ellerbee used to say when I was growing up, Black History is Everyone's History. And possibly more now than ever, when bankruptcies abound, home mortgage foreclosures are increasing, the gap between the very rich and the very poor is widening exponentially, and No Child Left Behind is leaving behind most of its school districts, the State of the Black Union is the State of Everyone's Union.

"...Sunday night at the Writers Guild Awards...Fey told the crowd, 'I hear Aaron Sorkin is in Los Angeles wearing the same dress - but longer, and not funny.' "


  • The State of the Black Union 2006
I watched the beginning of it this morning on TV One. Compared to the day-long coverage on the 2007 version on C-SPAN, I didn't like the commercials TV One has to show for revenue, but I did appreciate the editing. Listing the name and accomplishments under each speakers face is much more effective and time-efficient than Tavis Smiley taking two minutes to vocalize the same thing. I know Mr. Smiley is being reverrent and polite to these great American leaders, but I've got things to do. Let's keep it moving. You know these people can be longwinded. And when I say, "these people," I mean the mature members of our American community who love a captive audience and a TV camera pointed at their face.

  • Gilmore Girls
This show has gone down the pooper. I was so bored during last night's episode, "Farewell, My Pet." The only saving graces were Michel and Paris, both of whom I have always loved.

  • Debra Dickerson on The Colbert Report
I cannot believe this fool. Watch the clip that had me yelling at my TV screen. Like that's an unusual occurence for me. It's at the bottom of the Comedy Central page, so hurry before it's gone.

To summarize for the time- and/or technologically-impaired, Ms. Dickerson informs Mr. Colbert that Barack Obama is not really black, since, according to her, "'Black,' in our political and social reality, means those descended from West African slaves." Calling him black would supposedly disrespect his father's Kenyan heritage. Despite the fact that Senator Obama was born in Hawaii, and his mother, white though she may be, was born in Kansas. Mr. Colbert suggested calling Senator Obama, "nouveau black," to which Ms. Dickerson replied that they could call him "African African-American." Mr. Colbert also had a solution to Senator Obama's non-owned heritage: he could be someone's slave for a short while for the black experience and to gain some street cred; to avoid the racist overtones, he could be Jesse Jackson's slave. Ms. Dickerson had no response for that.

I'd love for Ms. Dickerson to come up to my face and tell me I'm not black because I can't trace my ancestry to a particular West African slave in my family tree. What an idiot. I am so not buying her book.

I'm sure I'll have more stuff to think about later this week.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

What a Nut Job...I Mean, Succesful Career Woman.

Today I discovered Penelope Trunk, a columnist at the Boston Globe, among other things. What a piece of work. You can read her pearls of wisdom at I commented on one of her Popular Posts: "Women who are not my role models." Now I'm reading through the rest of her blog. She has some jokey ideas, but I have stumbled a few actual useful truths, too. Well, one. She cleverly cited Donald Trump's replacing Carolyn and George with his two less qualified children as an argument for affirmative action.

The article of hers that struck me was "How to Buy Happiness," posted last November on the Yahoo! Finance page. The title alone should have tipped me off, but I read it anyway. Here's her take on finding that special someone:

"3. Hire a headhunter to find you a mate.

The single most important factor in how happy you are is how much sex you have. Twice a week is optimal. Less frequent forays mean you won't reach the highest levels of happiness.

Warning to overachievers -- more sex will not give you more happiness. Warning to bottom-feeders -- sorry to disappoint you, but it's got to be with the same person every time.

This explains why married people are happier than unmarried people and why you should do everything you can to find a mate. If you have a lot of money, hire a headhunter to find you a mate.

And stop being so picky. Arranged marriages do as well as marriages for love, so give the headhunter a lot of leeway.

If you don't have a lot of money, ask a friend who her favorite ex is and date him. Research shows that if someone else liked their date then you'll like that date, too."

Okay, first? If I'm dating someone (like that will ever happen), and we're at the point in our relationship where we've started having sex? I would hope we would be having it more than twice a week. I'd imagine we'd both be busy, working individuals, but I do have my weekends free. :(

Second, I am an overachiever, and having daily orgasms would give me more happiness.

Third, married MEN are generally happier than unmarried men, mostly because they have someone taking care of them. Note to readers: That will not be me; my husband will be a grown man who can take care of himself. Additionally, married WOMEN are somewhat less happy than their single counterparts. I read it in some incomplete study somewhere. It was incomplete because it didn't take into account committed, long-term unmarried couples, or same-sex couples. And I don't remember what the name of the study was, or when it came out. You all will have to google it yourselves.

Fourth, I don't have a lot of money, so I guess I won't be happy until I can save up enough to buy me a headhunter.

Fifth, I'm so glad we live in a country in which arranged marriage is not only acceptable, but encouraged by financial advice columnists. If only I weren't so picky. Then surely I'd be happily married to one of the old, crazy men that I seem to attract like the plague.

Sixth, since I don't have a lot of money, as I mentioned before, I'm sure one of my friends' exes will fit me like worn-in pair of jeans. Except none of my friends wear my size. (See "Musings from Fatty McButterpants.") And my friends don't have many exes to choose from, much less a favorite one in the LA area. And, if my friends liked those guys so much, why aren't they still WITH them?

What a maroon.

From the "Why is This News?" File:

I am so tired of hearing about this ridiculous astronaut story on the "news." The story is not news. It is an aborted episode of Snapped on Oxygen.

This story is news: Contractors cozy up to feds in explosion of outsourcing, by Scott Shane and Ron Nixon, New York Times

"Without a public debate or formal policy decision, contractors have become a virtual fourth branch of government. On the rise for decades, spending on federal contracts has soared during the Bush administration, to about $400 billion last year from $207 billion in 2000, fueled by the war in Iraq, domestic security and Hurricane Katrina, but also by a philosophy that encourages outsourcing almost everything government does."

Jesse Jackson weighs in as well at the Chicago Sun-Times:

"...The Bush administration has privatized war. The second-biggest army in Iraq consists of armed security forces supplied by private contractors.

They act above the law -- and with unclear lines of authority. They work abroad, so they are largely beyond the reach of U.S. law. On contract from the U.S. government, they are beyond the reach of Iraqi law, as established in an order issued by the U.S. Authority there before turning power over to the Iraqi government. When the Abu Ghraib prison torture scandals were revealed, private security forces and interrogators were at the center of it. But none was held accountable..."

Since I listen to Randi Rhodes on Air America almost every weekday, I've been hearing about the nefarious acts of these contractors for almost two years. Aside from her counterparts on progressive talk radio, I haven't heard this story reported anywhere. Unless this aforementioned astronaut was protecting the Earth from an Independence Day-style invasion, I don't need to hear any other crazy white woman stories ever again.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

High School? Hmm...

Inspired by one of my pals since kindergarten, I figured I would reflect on a seminal time that has shaped my current existence, for better or for worse. You can play along at home, if you like.

But first, my favorite news article of the day. From the Los Angeles Times Calendar: "Revisionist history with an acute vision: ‘Mirror’ shows a Europe conquered by invaders from the Americas". By Cindy Chang. Read it while you can. An LA Times subscription might be necessary later.

"[Ecuadorean artist Eduardo Villacis] proposes this alternate history in a mock museum exhibit that documents the conquest of Europe by the Aztecs through an array of fake artifacts and explanatory captions written in the simplistic, knowing tone of museumspeak. This is what Mexican schoolchildren might have seen on a field trip to the local museum had their Aztec ancestors colonized Europe, instead of the other way around.

In this world, there are no more Christians, leaving modern-day Amexicans to speculate about what god the natives of "U-rop" might have worshipped. "Entglitcz" is a lost language and Shakespeare completely forgotten. The Aztecs are just as cruel in victory as the Europeans were, enslaving the natives to build new cities on top of the ones they have destroyed."

Now back to the fun!

Fill this out about your YEARS of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be.

1. Who was your best friend?
Ava, Vanessa, and sometimes Shannon.

2. What sports did you play?
Soccer during my senior year. Cheerleading in tenth grade. Dance and horseback riding tenth through twelfth.

3. What kind of car did you drive?
None. I got my licenses--St. Thomas and California, respectively--in college.

4. It's Friday night, where were you?
Either at the movies with my friends, or at home watching Boy Meets World.

5. Were you a party animal?

6. Were you considered a flirt?
Not even.

7. Ever skip school?
On Senior Skip Day. And even then, I came in for AP Economics.

8. Were you a nerd?
Yes. Expounding on this point is unnecessary

9. Did you get suspended/expelled?
For what? Like I ever did anything wrong.

10. Did you attend the Rally's?
The pep rallies? There wasn't really a choice not to. You could hide in the bushes if you wanted to hide your school spirit, but our school wasn't big enough for someone to go unnoticed for long. If you meant the fast-food place Rally's, we didn't have those on St. Thomas. We still don't.

11. Who was your Favorite teacher(s)?
Ooh. This is hard. I liked my history teacher in eighth grade, and my health teacher from seventh through twelfth.

12. Favorite class?
Tough one again. My least favorite class was AP Chemistry. What a cruel joke. Second-runner up: American History taught by a conservative Republican. I often wonder what happened to him, and how he feels about his party now.

13. What was your school's full name?
The Bayside School.

14. School mascot?

15. Did you go to Prom?
Yes, both of them.

16. If you could go back and do it over, would you?
No. I have other things to do with my life. Like saving the world.

17. What do you remember most about graduation?
My salutatorian speech. Then being shown up by Shannon, yet again, with her tearjerking, manipulative valedictorian speech. Oh, and the 20+ people who showed up to cheer specifically for me. That was shocking.

18. Who was your high school sweetheart?
I never had none. And I'm still not getting any.

19. Where were you on senior skip day?
At home. I didn't feel like going to the beach with everyone. Then I went to school, as I mentioned in number 7.

20. Did you have a job your Senior year?
Nope. I had plenty of activities and international travel to keep me busy.

21. Where did you go most often for lunch?
I had Quiz Bowl practice during lunch.

23. What did you do after graduation?
I spent the summer working for a day care center, being let go from said day care, then working at the concession stand of the movie theater, until I left in August to start college in LA.

24. When did you graduate?

25. Who was your Senior prom date?
I went with my friends.

26. Are you going to your 10yr class reunion?
Yes. I am.

27. Who was your home room teacher?...
We had a different one every year.

28. Who did you go to Sadie Hawkins with ?
What an outdated concept. If you want to go with some guy to a dance, then ask him. Who is this Sadie person anyway? To answer the question, we never had any Hawkins dances.

29. Who did you go to Snowball with ?
Snowball? It doesn't get below 60 on St. Thomas.

30. Who did you not like?
I'm not going to name names. But there were some people who were mean to me. Most people were nice, though, even if they never completely understood my quirky nature. And it's whom.

31. Who was your all time crush?
We don't need to talk about that. Though I will say that I did have crushes on at least seven guys during my four years of upper school. That was nothing compared to my raging hormones in middle school. At least eight crushes in those two years. The most serious crush waxed and waned from seventh to ninth grade. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Feel free to share your own musings about high school. Keep it clean, people.

Joe Biden: Stop Talking Now.

I knew there was some reason I didn't like Joe Biden. I've already forgotten what he did last year to tick me off. Thank goodness Senator Biden's latest interview with The New York Observer gave me something to complain about. Here's the stroke of brilliance that's got everybody who's anybody talking:

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy,” he said [about Senator Barrack Obama]. “I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”

Apparently Senator Biden has determined that Mr. Obama's no funky negro. I wish that fool would come up to my face and call me "articulate."

He also said some stuff about Hillary Clinton and my main man (until I find out he has done something stupid) John Edwards. But not many people care about those quotes. I do care about them, but they're not as funny as the unintentional ethnic insults. Those are the best kind. And there's more.

Last year, the Senator from Delaware let it be known that some of Joe Biden's favorite donut vendors are Indian. The words below were captured for posterity on this C-SPAN video.

“In Delaware, the largest growth of population is Indian Americans, moving from India. You cannot go to a 7/11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I’m not joking.”

I don't think you are joking, Mr. Biden. Now, I don't frequent the Dunkin' Donuts or 7/11 myself. However, I don't think those franchises will refuse to sell you a glazed pastry or a Big Gulp based on your intonation.