Wednesday, February 07, 2007

What a Nut Job...I Mean, Succesful Career Woman.

Today I discovered Penelope Trunk, a columnist at the Boston Globe, among other things. What a piece of work. You can read her pearls of wisdom at I commented on one of her Popular Posts: "Women who are not my role models." Now I'm reading through the rest of her blog. She has some jokey ideas, but I have stumbled a few actual useful truths, too. Well, one. She cleverly cited Donald Trump's replacing Carolyn and George with his two less qualified children as an argument for affirmative action.

The article of hers that struck me was "How to Buy Happiness," posted last November on the Yahoo! Finance page. The title alone should have tipped me off, but I read it anyway. Here's her take on finding that special someone:

"3. Hire a headhunter to find you a mate.

The single most important factor in how happy you are is how much sex you have. Twice a week is optimal. Less frequent forays mean you won't reach the highest levels of happiness.

Warning to overachievers -- more sex will not give you more happiness. Warning to bottom-feeders -- sorry to disappoint you, but it's got to be with the same person every time.

This explains why married people are happier than unmarried people and why you should do everything you can to find a mate. If you have a lot of money, hire a headhunter to find you a mate.

And stop being so picky. Arranged marriages do as well as marriages for love, so give the headhunter a lot of leeway.

If you don't have a lot of money, ask a friend who her favorite ex is and date him. Research shows that if someone else liked their date then you'll like that date, too."

Okay, first? If I'm dating someone (like that will ever happen), and we're at the point in our relationship where we've started having sex? I would hope we would be having it more than twice a week. I'd imagine we'd both be busy, working individuals, but I do have my weekends free. :(

Second, I am an overachiever, and having daily orgasms would give me more happiness.

Third, married MEN are generally happier than unmarried men, mostly because they have someone taking care of them. Note to readers: That will not be me; my husband will be a grown man who can take care of himself. Additionally, married WOMEN are somewhat less happy than their single counterparts. I read it in some incomplete study somewhere. It was incomplete because it didn't take into account committed, long-term unmarried couples, or same-sex couples. And I don't remember what the name of the study was, or when it came out. You all will have to google it yourselves.

Fourth, I don't have a lot of money, so I guess I won't be happy until I can save up enough to buy me a headhunter.

Fifth, I'm so glad we live in a country in which arranged marriage is not only acceptable, but encouraged by financial advice columnists. If only I weren't so picky. Then surely I'd be happily married to one of the old, crazy men that I seem to attract like the plague.

Sixth, since I don't have a lot of money, as I mentioned before, I'm sure one of my friends' exes will fit me like worn-in pair of jeans. Except none of my friends wear my size. (See "Musings from Fatty McButterpants.") And my friends don't have many exes to choose from, much less a favorite one in the LA area. And, if my friends liked those guys so much, why aren't they still WITH them?

What a maroon.


chrissy said...

I'd rather be single than ever take that woman's advice.

Catherine Avril Morris said...

Yeehaw re: orgasms and clarifying the gender component of married people being happier than the unmarrieds! Married men are happy, or at least contented, well-fed and prosperous. Married women are tired, pissed off and downtrodden. Uh, generally speaking, I mean. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule. :)

(And yes, those generalizations are based on both studies I've read and my own observations of married people.)