"Let's leave New Jersey out of this."

"That's what the Constitution should have said."

Ha!

BT-dubs, I forgot he was black, too (at 4:25). That's the power of Fred Armisen.

Also:





That's what I'm saying, Andy.

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Someday I'll testify before Congress in character

Maybe we could offer more visas to the immigrants who, let's face it, will probably be doing these jobs anyway. And this improved legal status might allow immigrants recourse if they're abused. And it just stands to reason to me that if your co-worker can't be exploited, then you're less likely to be exploited yourself.

And that itself might improve pay and working conditions on these farms. And eventually Americans may consider taking these jobs again.

Or maybe that's crazy. Maybe the easier answer is just to have scientists develop vegetables that pick themselves. The genetic engineers at Fruit of the Loom have made great strides in human-fruit hybrids.

The point is, we have to do something because I am not going back out there. At this point I break into a cold sweat at the sight of a salad bar.

Stephen Colbert Hearing (VIDEO): Updates From Colbert's Visit To Congress, Jason Linkins, The Huffington Post.

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Why does he look like an overly-tanned Kennedy?

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Oh, that's why.

Also, poor people need help. Get on that, readers.

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Coming Soon

Will Hollywood ever make a 'Virginity Hit' about teenage girls? by Karen Valby, EW.com.

The low-budget, everyboy comedy The Virginity Hit, about a group of high school horndogs trying to help their buddy lose his virginity, hit select theaters this weekend. (In my hometown Austin, it was playing at just one megaplex at 9:30.) The Will Ferrell/Adam McKay-produced dweebathon is the latest installment to the canon of films about sweaty white boys on a quest to get laid. American Pie, Porky’s, Weird Science, Superbad, Sixteen Candles… The list is long, stuffed with awkward boys and uncomfortable erections and frantic high fives. As in the case of The Virginity Hit, there are always a bevy of unusually attractive girls on the story’s margins. The titular virgin in The Virginity Hit, unknown Matt Bennett, is the recognizably awkward center of his circle of harmless dips*#t friends. Of course his girlfriend is smoking hot, as are all the other girls who inexplicably hang around this pimply crew. In one ridiculous scene the girls don bikinis and smush their boobs against windows at a car wash fundraiser to get porn star Sunny Leone to sleep with Matt. Such generous, comely friends. Come on girls! Don’t you have soccer practice or something? Raise funds for your junior year abroad instead! Male screenwriters are marvelous revisionist thinkers.

So here’s some questions I asked myself in between scenes of bong hits and frat parties. Can anyone out there imagine a similar movie in which a crew of good-natured, dumpy girls obsess unapologetically about sex? Where the object of their desire is not some princess fantasy of first kiss or a prom date or a wedding ring—but rather the uncomplicated thrill of experience.

[ . . . ]

Would you want to see a similar movie like this for high school or college girls?

Yes I would. In fact, I would write that movie. Getting it made would be another story.

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"There is nothing more American . . ."

Than an overprivileged businessman in a pink tie.

Also, cheeseburgers. Yum.

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"I know we shouldn't say this to one another as black people, but . . . "

"There is nothing about you that says 'computer' . . . or 'school.'"

My favorite part of The Original Kings of Comedy. Oh, the funny.

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I never realized that.

From the episode of TV One on One featuring Debbie Allen:

Cathy Hughes: I want to talk about all these various hats that you have worn and wear and do so well. A Different World, the TV series, did so much to glorify and showcase our young people in college life. I also read that when you took over producing and directing that you had a rule that there would be no hair weaves, no colored contact lenses, and no false eyelashes.

Debbie Allen: Or long nails, right. I stripped those girls down.

Cathy Hughes: You wanted them in their natural beauty.

Debbie Allen: Yeah, I wanted them to be natural. You know, I went to Howard University, honey. I was there when Angela Davis was walking with that beautiful, frizzy, beautiful mane of nappy beautiful hair. And I wanted this show to reflect the beauty of African-American women. And we had so many different kinds of women that were beautiful in many different ways. And they should allow that. Everybody shouldn't try to look the same. So I went in there and stripped them down, and the show became more real.

Cathy Hughes: And so popular. And it's also written that it helped increase black college enrollment, that black children saw the show and wanted to go to college for the first time.

Their conversation reminds of why I have never liked The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, or the skanky Bachelor Pad, a show that makes For the Love of Ray J look tasteful. Every woman (and most of the men) look like carbon copies of each other. It's not just that they are almost all white and between the ages of 21 and 35. Every woman on those shows look like they stepped off of the beauty pageant stage and on to Chris Harrison's television set. They seem less like human beings and more like characters from two of my favorite episodes of The Twilight Zone, original recipe: "Eye of the Beholder" and "Number 12 Looks Just Like You". Creepy.

If only black children, and other children, had Dwayne and Whitley and Ron and Kim and Freddie and Jaleesa to look up to today. Now they have Snooki, JWoww, and The Situation. It's a different world indeed.

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Musings from a Black Woman: On Hip Hop and Cultural Ramifications

From My Mic Sounds Nice: A Truth About Women and Hip-Hop, a documentary airing on BET:

"There are a whole lot of reasons why female rappers aren't as prominent in the hip hop game as they should be. But to me, honestly, I believe the bottom line is, it's a boys' game. It's a man's world. Straight up."

- Nikki D

"Male rappers have such an amazing amount of power and influence. And if they're spending a majority of the time dissing African-American women, then what is expected of the people that they're performing for, or the people that are buying their records. It's not much to be said for them wanting to spend money to hear an African-American woman speak her mind."

- MC Lyte

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"Glenn Beck is going to take a movement!"

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
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I hope it's a bowel movement.

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I'm almost 30, too.

Child Stars Turning 30!, omg! from Yahoo!.

Where's my omg! article? If only I had been a child star. I blame my parents.

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For every girl and woman

who has been told to sit down, I will continue to stand-up.

Today I watched a Janeane Garofalo special on Comedy Central. It was one that I had seen many times before. I realized how much of an effect her comedy had on me when I was growing up, along with the comedy of other women like Rosie and Ellen and Margaret and Judy and Wanda, and the comedy of many funny gentlemen as well. The topics and situations and pain that they talked about on stage made me feel like I wasn't the only idiot thinking about the same issues.

I often forget that my words and my actions have an effect on other people. I received a few reminders of that this week. So I will keep doing what I've been doing. Though it would be nice if someone left a comment on here, readers. :)

.

"Guys, guys."

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Stephen Wins an Emmy
www.colbertnation.com
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Stop at 0:38 to view a portrait of Stephen Colbert's writing staff. What an illuminating picture of hypocrisy.

It has become hard to take Stephen's rants on discrimination seriously when almost all of his writers are white and male and under 40. And only the tallest guy gets to talk.

There was that one nice white lady and the mature looking white gentleman in the front. But the rest of the staff looks like a conglomeration of stand-ins for a Seth Rogen movie. Or a Michael Cera movie. Or a Jonah Hill movie. Which are pretty much all the same movie.

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"Call Morgan Freeman. Or maybe Danny Glover."

I will do that, Roy Wood, Jr. I do have some questions for them.

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"Hello. Are you Puerto Rican?"

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"That's why Thomas Jefferson never married Sally Hemings. She never laughed at his slave jokes."

Oh dear.

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Sucks to be my belly

Study: Belly bulge can be deadly for older adults, AP via Yahoo! Health.

If your pants are feeling a bit tight around the waistline, take note: Belly bulge can be deadly for older adults, even those who aren't overweight or obese by other measures.

One of the largest studies to examine the dangers of abdominal fat suggests men and women with the biggest waistlines have twice the risk of dying over a decade compared to those with the smallest tummies.

Surprisingly, bigger waists carry a greater risk of death even for people whose weight is "normal" by the body mass index, or BMI, a standard measure based on weight and height.

"Even if you haven't had a noticeable weight gain, if you notice your waist size increasing that's an important sign," said lead author Eric Jacobs of the American Cancer Society, which funded the study. "It's time to eat better and start exercising more."

Other research has linked waist size to dementia, heart disease, asthma and breast cancer.

Bulging bellies are a problem for most Americans older than 50. It's estimated that more than half of older men and more than 70 percent of older women have bigger waistlines than recommended. And it's a growing problem: Average waistlines have expanded by about an inch per decade since the 1960s.

To check your girth, wrap a tape measure around your waist at the navel. No fair sucking in your bulge. Men should have a waist circumference no larger than 40 inches. For women, the limit is 35 inches.

35 inches? Uh oh. Dementia, here I come!

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My favorite Aziz Ansari joke, for now.

Jokes.com
Aziz Ansari - Glad You Like the Show
comedians.comedycentral.com
Roast of David Hasselhoff It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Russell Simmons Presents Stand-Up Comedy

"Your dad . . . left you alone with a grown man with a full beard at Walking with Dinosaurs! Clearly I'm out here scouting, and you are my man!"

Readers, if you happen to be a parent, do not be that parent. All the therapy sessions in the world could never erase that moment in your child's life, when he realizes you left him alone with a man who tells jokes for a living.

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"Dance Party USA"

13 chapters completed in Bianca Reagan: Where the Action Is! Eight more to go! An excerpt from Ch. 07:

“Teddy.” He shook my hand. “Nice to meet you.”

As I held on to Teddy, I daydreamed about telling our children the story of how I met their father. They would have Teddy’s wavy black hair, dark eyes, and musical ability, along with my nose, dimples, and math skills.

I noticed a familiar logo peeking from behind the lapels of Teddy’s blue blazer. “Are you wearing a NOW t-shirt to impress the Shake audience?”

“It couldn’t hurt, but no,” Teddy said. “I have been an official spokesperson for the National Organization of Women since I played at their conference last year. However, I’ve been a feminist since my mother taught me how to talk.”

“That’s impressive.” I poked Mike in the arm. “You should take note.”

The Good Senator inserted, “We are all taking note, which would please my wife. She’s a big, big feminist.”

A big feminist?

“Not big in size,” The Good Senator dug himself in deeper. “Not that there is anything wrong with big sizes.”

Why was he looking at me when he said that?

Benjamin inserted the correct wording. “Alley is a strong supporter of women.”

“She and I both are,” The Good Senator told us. “In fact, Alley and I were at the NOW conference last year, too. Were you there?”

Me? “I’ve never been to one before. I thought the conferences were for important people. I’m not quite a member either.”

“You’re not a member of NOW?” Teddy asked me.

“It’s expensive.” Well, maybe. “Last time I checked it was.”

Teddy pointed to himself. “NOW member.” He pointed to The Good Senator. “NOW member?”

“Proudly,” The Good Senator concurred.

Teddy moved his index finger in my direction. “Not NOW member.”

“Or,” Mike pointed at The Good Senator, then at Teddy. “Good feminist, good feminist.”

“Bad feminist.” Teddy waggled his finger at me.

The Good Senator and Mike shot exaggerated frowns in my direction. Benjamin looked bored.

“I’m a good feminist.” I racked my brain for proof. “I voted?”

“Did you vote for him?” Teddy gestured towards the senator.

“How was I supposed to vote for an Illinois senator when I live in California?”

“You hear the excuses this one has?” Teddy asked the room.

The Good Senator put his arm around Mike’s shoulders. “You really ought to be more careful about the kind of women you run around with.”

Mike grinned. “I’ll try harder next time, sir.”

“Cassandra!” Teddy called across the room as she walked through the doorway.

“Teddy B!” she called back.

“Are you a member of NOW?”

Cassandra strolled over next to Teddy. “Who’s asking? And, yes.”

Teddy turned to pat my back. “I take it we’ll be seeing you at the next meeting.”

Benjamin yawned. “Will this love fest never end?”

“Benji, shush,” The Good Senator said with his arm still around Mike.

Benjamin’s head drooped. He shuffled over to the other side of the room, mumbling to himself, “Don’t call me Benji.”

.

I watch The Colbert Report!

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
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But I do not watch Fox News. Blasphemy.

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"The hottest new show on Nick Jr."

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Born in the U.S.A.
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

"It's hard to be tough on babies, but--"

"Here's a sign you shouldn't finish a sentence. When it begins with, 'I know it's hard to be tough on babies, but--'"

No. Let's not be tough on babies. Ever.

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Whose generation?

Yes, executive producer Noah Hawley. We all have lived through a lot in the past 10 years. What can I say about this trailer and My Generation?

• I remember this show when it was called quarterlife.


• It's 2010 and we've still got the token black guy. And he's playing The Jock (at 0:58).


• At least the token Asian lady isn't playing The Brain. That role was saved for the token Latina. Progress!

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