As you readers may know, I like to compare myself to a young, up-and-coming comedian, especially when I face difficulties in my life. It helps me feel better and make sense of things. Often that comedian Kathy Griffin. Though recently it was Patton Oswalt. During this short period of disappointment for me, my comedian is Conan O'Brien:
" . . . despite this sense of loss, I really feel this should be a happy moment. Every comedian...every comedian dreams of hosting The Tonight Show and for seven months, I got to do it. And I did it my way with people I love. I do not regret one second of anything that we've done here.
[ . . . ]
"And all I ask is one thing, and this is, I'm asking this particularly of young people that watch: please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you. Amazing things will happen. I'm telling you. It's just true."
I do not regret anything I did, said, or felt. I am so proud of myself, of the actions I took, and of the courage I continue to have.
I don't hate cynicism. I think it can be healthy in manageable doses. I truly never expected to be here, being so open and honest with myself and with others. I have been working really hard for my entire life, and I do believe amazing things will happen for me. Yet, even though I am continuing my search and I am wholeheartedly driven to do so, I don't have confidence that I will find what I am looking for. I doubt that I will ever "host The Tonight Show", not even for seven months.
I wish more people were honest about the myth of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, or taking lemons and making lemonade. Some people aren't even given boots or lemons, but somehow they are pulling and standing and trying their hardest to make juice. Though the truth is, you could work really hard and do everything right, but there is a great possibility that you will fail over and over again. And you get tired. And every time, the protective shell that you had peeled off to trust and let people in just grows back tougher and more impenetrable.
Er, but keep trying, readers. Believe in the stars! :)