Sunday, August 31, 2008

"What?! There's a black guy?!"


With the announcement of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as John McCain's running mate, the 2008 U. S. Presidential election continues to resemble "Star-Spangled Banter", episode 4.08 of Will & Grace. It's surprisingly relevant. And funny! If you have the ability and the link is working, you can watch the episode here. For the rest of you, the relevant dialogue is below:

[WILL ENTERS HIS APARTMENT. GRACE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING A MAGAZINE.]

GRACE: You know, Sarah Michelle Gellar is really smart. I mean, at the beginning of this interview, she's just talkin' about stuff, like where she gets her highlights, but then she starts in on foreign affairs and campaign finance reform. I'm gonna say it... She's a genius.

WILL: Let me see that. [WILL FLIPS THROUGH THE MAGAZINE] Hmm... Interesting. Yeah. See? these pages are stuck together. You've been reading an interview with John McCain. Here's the rest of Sarah Michelle.

GRACE: [READING] "And even after all these years, limos are way cool." Yeah. I probably should've figured it out when she started talking about her time in a P.O.W. camp.

WILL: Ooh, uh, before I forget, I need you to write me a check. There's this guy, Ted Bowers. He's running for city council. I really think we should support him.

GRACE: Well, what do we know about him?

WILL: He's gay.

GRACE: And?

WILL: And... he's gay.

GRACE: But what's he for? I mean, you know, where does he stand on the issues?

WILL: What do you care? You thought Buffy was in a prisoner of war camp.

GRACE: I'm just wondering, what are his positions?

WILL: I don't know. I think he's a top. Come on. Write a check already. You should support gay men. Gay men support you.


~ ~ ~


SCENE III: Will's Apartment Building
(GRACE is doing down in the elevator when it stops and MRS. FRIEDMAN [played by Anne Meara!] enters.)

[MRS. FRIEDMAN ENTERS.]

GRACE: Hey, Mrs. Friedman, how are things on the eighth floor?

MRS FRIEDMAN: I'm not talking to you, Grace Adler, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

GRACE: I swear, the elevator smelled like this before I got on.

MRS FRIEDMAN: I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about your button. I can't believe you're supporting that man.

GRACE: Ted Bowers happens to be an excellent candidate.

MRS FRIEDMAN: [SPITTING] Ptewey! Your candidate sucks my rain boots.

GRACE: Hey, I like Ted Bowers, and he's gay, and I think it's high time we had gay representation on the city council, especially in a society that still undervalues the rights of gay people.

MRS FRIEDMAN: Fine. Do what you want. Me, I'm voting for the Jewish woman.

GRACE: There's a Jewish woman running?


~ ~ ~


SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are home.)

GRACE: Uh... So, listen, I need a check.

WILL: What for?

GRACE: Judy Green. She's running for city council, and I think we should support her.

WILL: But we're backing Ted Bowers.

GRACE: Well, I found out a few things about him that makes me think I should support the other candidate.

WILL: Like what?

GRACE: Like he's running against a woman.

WILL: So? Who is she? What do we know about her?

GRACE: She's a woman.

WILL: And?

GRACE: And she's Jewish.

WILL: And?

GRACE: And she's a woman.

WILL: So what? What are her positions?

GRACE: I don't know. She's Jewish. She probably just lays there. Come on. Write the check!

WILL: I am not gonna write you a check. That would just cancel out the check you wrote me.

GRACE: I know. That's why I've already stopped payment on mine. Now, come on. Make it payable to "Judy Green for City Council."

WILL: All right. Is a zillion dollars enough?

GRACE: Come on! Women need a voice on the city council. I mean, 50% of the population is women.

WILL: So, one could argue that 80% of the population is gay. [BEAT] They just don't know it yet. Anyway, this is not about statistics. This is about who has the better candidate.

GRACE: Well, what makes you think that you have the better candidate?

WILL: Grace, he's gay.

GRACE: Well, mine's a woman and Jewish. That makes two victims to your one.

WILL: Since when are you so Jewish anyway? You're about as Jewish as Melanie Griffith in A Stranger Among Us.

GRACE: Well, you're about as gay as Tom Sellick in In and Out.

WILL: I am plenty gay.

GRACE: When was the last time you had same-sex sex?

WILL: I'm choosy!

GRACE: Ha! You're straight! Go watch a basketball game!

WILL: Yeah? Well, you're barely a woman. You pee standing up!

GRACE: Hey! There are a lot of diseases you can get from a toilet seat!

WILL: Our own?! [POINTING TOWARDS THE BATHROOM.]

GRACE: Well, I never thought that I would hear this from you! You hate women!

WILL: Well, you hate gays!


~ ~ ~


SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are hosting their simultaneous fundraisers for Ted Bowers and Judy Green.)

TED: Good evening, everybody. A lot of candidates in this race wanna tell you that there's an easy solution to our city's problems. Well, I'm here to tell you, there's not.

[WILL APPLAUDS. HE'S THE ONLY ONE.]

WILL: [EMBARASSED] Was that not an applause line? 'Cause it felt like one.

TED: For instance... Homelessness. Now, this is an awful, awful problem, and one solution that I advocate is give them a hot meal.

WILL: Mm-hmm.

TED: Give them a shower.

WILL: Uh-huh.

TED: Put them on a bus and get them the hell out of our city.

WILL: A-- What?

[CUT TO A BIT LATER.]

TED: So, in conclusion, women in the home, force those foreigners to speak our language, and if God didn't want some people to be poor, he'd give them money.

MR ZAMIR: He is very good.

GRACE: And now... Let's hear from a real candidate. Ladies and gentlemen, Judy Green.

JUDY: Thank you, Grace. Let me start by saying how gratifying it is to see so many white faces here tonight.

GRACE: Goh!


~ ~ ~

SCENE X: Will's Apartment
(The fundraisers are over. WILL and GRACE are relaxing on the sofa.)

GRACE: Remember when Election Day used to be fun? Passing out leaflets, knocking on doors, ripping our bell-bottoms and running from the fuzz?

WILL: That wasn't us. That was Linc and Julie from "The Mod Squad."

JACK: [ENTERING] Well, I've just pulled the lever for democracy. Oh, and I also voted. Ah-ha ha ha ha! What are you two sad lovers doin'?

WILL: Nothin'.

JACK: So, did you vote?

WILL: We don't deserve to.

GRACE: We just didn't think it was right to vote for someone without finding out what they stand for.

WILL: Who'd you vote for?

JACK: The black guy.

Both: What?! There's a black guy?!

[WILL AND GRACE BOTH JUMP OFF THE COUCH AND RUN OUT OF THE APARTMENT.]


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