This is Bad News.

Bravo nabs popular TV Web site: Television Without Pity bought by cable station.

[Co-founders Tara Ariano and Sarah D. Bunting] will remain as editors of TWOP, overseeing all content. Bravo execs said the site will maintain complete editorial independence, despite now being a tiny little division of General Electric.

I feel quite uneasy about this takeover. Having a multi-billion, multi-national corporation like GE owning a previously independent forum for speech and ideas sounds very, very wrong. How can we snark on the TWOP boards about 30 Rock riffing on NBC being owned by the Sheinhardt Wig Company when the boards we are snarking on are now owned by the very same company?

"If Television Without Pity didn't exist, we would have built it," said Bravo exec VP Jason Klarman, who's at the center of Bravo's online strategy.

Then why didn't you build it four years ago, when Queer Eye for The Straight Guy took off and pretty much made your network?

[Bravo President Lauren Zalaznick] said she wants the cabler and its Web sites to speak to people who, like many TWOP visitors, don't necessarily watch a lot of TV--but who get worked up over the shows they do watch.

"They have to get smart and rich by reading a lot, going to movies, going to school and having big jobs -- therefore they have less time to watch TV sometimes," she said. "But they seem to have infinite bandwidth, so to speak, to love television, talk about television and go places and spend time deeply with their kind of most essential core television connection."

Um (which is a word forbidden on the TWOP boards), doofus? I learned about TWOP from my fellow TV obsessed friend three years ago, when both of us were unemployed.

While searching for more news about this development, I stumbled upon this article in the LA Times: 'Real Housewives of Orange County' eye greener pastures.

I don't really care about the battles between those fame-whores in Coto de Caza and the cable television network they are contractually obligated to obey. What I am concerned about is the passage that appeared towards the bottom of the article:

"Internet blogs have blazed with crass and incendiary comments about their looks and their past and present personal behavior. After attorneys for one participant contacted Television Without Pity, the fan-based website shut down a "Housewives" thread. (Bloggers on the Orange County Register's website complained their negative comments were not published on Bravo's website in favor of more favorable ones.)"

So supposedly, "No massive changes are planned to the site in the near future," but TWOP coincidentally shut down the Housewives thread last month because people were speaking about negatively about the show. I thought maybe this was a temporary closure, as is done from time to time on the TWOP forums when discussions get overly heated. But no. The still locked Housewives thread states: "In response to concerns raised by various show participants' lawyers, we're no longer hosting a thread about the show. Don't start one." posted by Wing Chun (aka Tara Ariano), on "Feb 8, 2007 @ 1:58 pm."

This sucks.

In even creepier, more twisted news: Halliburton will move headquarters from Houston to Dubai. For those of you who aren't what the words "Halliburton," "Dubai," or "Houston" mean, please look them up, then tell me your take on this story. There are as many theories floating around as there are blogs on the interwebs. The Halliburton discussion is still going strong at Daily Kos.

This news is bad, but not at all shocking to anyone who owns a working television set: Black leads still absent from network dramas. And network comedies. And non-syndicated comedies on cable.

Here is the excuse given:

"There is a feeling that the vast majority of the audience is not black, and having a black lead dominating the show makes most viewers feel shut out since they don't work with an African-American in a dominant position in their daily life," TV historian Tim Brooks says.

Who is having this "feeling?"And can this person or persons back up that feeling with any statistics proving their racist theories?

Furthermore, this theory that "black people don't watch black dramas--therefore they fail" is ridiculous. Happy Hour and 'Til Death and 20 Good Years didn't fail because "white people don't watch white comedies." They failed because the shows sucked.

Lastly:

Latinos, who overtook blacks as the largest minority in the U.S. in 2003, have a good chance at landing their first drama series on commercial broadcast TV this year with CBS' untitled family drama pilot featuring an predominantly Latino cast, including leading man Jimmy Smits.

So let me get this straight. Latinos (all of them, regardless of their countries of origin) have been the majority minority in the United States for four years now. And they have chance of getting a drama on broadcast television for the first time ever. Over 35 million people in this country identify as "Hispanic or Latino," and this is the first drama series that they might get on the air? It's not definite, even though Jimmy Smits has starred in three of the biggest network television series in the past three decades?

Yes, I'm sure that they're aren't many black people or Latino people on primetime because black people and Latino people obviously never watch TV. I obviously don't. And don't get me started on the lack of Asian people anywhere in the media, and yeah, having Hiro on Heroes and that guy on Lost is great, but that's two people.

It's nice that these articles never question how many non-white people have Nielsen rating boxes in their households. I don't know anyone of any color with a box on their TV. The articles also never mention that most of the people in charge of writing, directing, greenlighting, producing, casting, and advertising on these television shows are straight white men. Not that the race, gender, ethnicity or orientation of the people who control corporate media would have anything to do with the type of people who are shown on our television screens. Clearly these issues are unrelated, so there's no need to bring them up.

Springing Forward.

Yes, I did forget to set all my clocks before I went to bed on Saturday night. But I did set them all after I woke up late on Sunday morning.

Did y'all see 30 Rock on Thursday? One: Anna Chlumsky as Liz Lemler, or, "Other Liz." I'm never sure of how to pronounce her last name, but I am glad she is working. She's not so bad at the writing thing, either, as evidence by her essay, Peaking at 10, found at Sirens Magazine, and in the book, Before the Mortgage.

Two: the episode was called, "The Fighting Irish," but I would have titled it, "The Black Donaghys." Hee!

Have any of you all seen Maxed Out? I learned about this movie on Pajiba, then I heard the director talking about it on Air America. It's a documentary about credit card companies and American debt. I'm hoping to see it soon.

Last night I watched The L Word, and I so identified with the control freak in Bette. My favorite character is still Alice, because she's funny. For those of you who haven't been watching the show...you should be watching the show! Rent the DVDs, or make a friend with someone who has Showtime. It's so dramatic. And, where else are you going to find this many strong women's roles on TV? Nowhere. Anyway, Bette is a perfectionist, and so am I. We have other things in common, like a half-sibling and a deceased father. That's about it, though. I've never dated anyone who was deaf. I've never hosted a dinner party with place cards for eleven of my friends. I don't have her stylish, expensive clothing, or her fabulous hair, or a cute baby (pictured above). Oh well. Some day.

Stuff that I Can't Stop Talking About: The Prep Edition.

Last weekend, during my trip to Albuquerque to visit my mother at one of her many nursing conferences, I read Prep, a novel by Curtis Sittenfeld. I certainly had a lot to say when I got to the end of the book, especially after perusing the "Reader's Guide," which included "A Conversation with Curtis Sittenfeld" and a list of ten "Reading Group Questions and Topics for Discussion." I'm guessing the Guide was less an insult to the reader's intelligence and more a opportunity for Ms. Sittenfeld to avoid invitations to speak at someone's book club.

I don't have the energy to repeat the caustic prose about Prep that I launched at any of my friends and associates who would listen to me this week. I like to call my interpretation of the book the Studio 60 effect. No, Aaron Sorkin was not involved. I mean that I was affected by the hype surrounding the book and the author before I actually read the material. I had owned the book for over a year, but I never had time to read it. But during that period, I did have time to read other shorter writings in the challenging world of Fiction Written by Women Authors. And, oh, what I learned about Curtis Sittenfeld.

Cutting to the chase, here is "Sophie's Choices", Ms. Sittenfeld's review of Melissa Bank's book The Wonder Spot:

"To suggest that another woman's ostensibly literary novel is chick lit feels catty, not unlike calling another woman a slut -- doesn't the term basically bring down all of us? And yet, with ''The Wonder Spot,'' it's hard to resist. A chronicle of the search for personal equilibrium and Mr. Right, Melissa Bank's novel is highly readable, sometimes funny and entirely unchallenging; you're not one iota smarter after finishing it. I'm as resistant as anyone else to the assumption that because a book's author is female and because that book's protagonist is a woman who actually cares about her own romantic future, the book must fall into the chick-lit genre. So it's not that I find Bank's topic lightweight; it's that Bank writes about it in a lightweight way."

The rest of the review only gets better from there. (Is better the right word?)

Here is how Jennifer Weiner, a prolific writer of "chick lit" (I hate that moniker even more than "chick flick") responded on her blog:

"...Curtis Sittenfeld’s quote-unquote review of THE WONDER SPOT – a nastier-than-it-needed-to-be takedown in which the book is dismissed as lightweight, inconsequential fluff -- is less about the book, or its author, than it is about Sittenfeld’s anxiety about how her own work has been perceived.

"Think about it. Sittenfeld's young, she’s educated (Stanford and that obligatory Iowa MFA), she taught English at St. Albans, published in all the right places (Salon, The New York Times) and was reviewed and profiled, or both, in all of them as well.

"But when her book went out into the world, was it perceived as high-minded literature, a la the Jonathans (Franzen, Safran Foer), or sparkling satire a la the Toms (Perrotta, Wolfe?)

"It was not."

Now that one definitely only gets better from there. I LOLed repeatedly.

My condensed take on the book? It was really long. The main character complained in her head a lot, but never did anything to change what she didn't like about her world. I like the It-Girl series better, even with its insidious brand-name dropping.

Additional stuff I can't stop talking about:

The Pajiba review of Black Snake Moan, by Dustin Rowles. What happened to the Christina of The Ice Storm and Now and Then? I miss her.

But White Possum Scream looks like a can't miss!

The last two episodes of 30 Rock: Capturing Obama before he strikes again? Osama in 2008? Oh, Jenna. And then came "The Source Awards." Wait till I tell Tupac about this.

I'd never had any interest in CSI:Miami until I spotted this series of clips on Defamer in which David Caruso displays his acting ability by repeated putting on a pair of sunglasses. I then watched the original seven-minute clip show of David Caruso's ridiculous cold open one-liners. Wow. Mr. Caruso is something. He actually made Jim Carrey look funny.

I tried to watch an episode of the show when I was in Albuquerque, beleaguered by the dearth of programming called hotel cable. But I couldn't get through more than 20 minutes of bad dialogue. So I won't be doing that again. Sorry, Rory Cochrane.

I have found yet another show on Logo that I enjoy: First Comes Love. From the website:

"Hosted by stand-up comedian Elvira Kurt and wedding planner extraordinaire, Fern Cohen, this series challenges about-to-be-married gay and lesbian couples to fulfill a long-held wish to have the wedding of their dreams. How will they express their love for each other? Will it be old-fashioned wedding bells or a brand new sense of style and tradition? Find out on First Comes Love."

Elvira Kurt makes me laugh. I saw her Comedy Central Presents special, and I was so thankful that my Mummy didn't raise me like hers did. My mother never crocheted me a back-to-school outfit. I would have pitched a fit if she had tried.

Note to readers of my blog (all three of you): Feel free to leave comments; I like discussion. Also, if you notice any typos, or have any questions about my grammar or syntax, please let me know. Thank you!

This makes me sad.

US soldier gets 100 years in prison for rape, murder of Iraqi girl, Yahoo! News

"A US soldier was sentenced Thursday to 100 years in prison for his role in the rape and murder of a 14-year-old Iraqi girl and the slaying of her parents and younger sister.

"But under military law and following a plea bargain Sergeant Paul Cortez could be eligible for parole after 10 years."

Rape, Murder, and the American GI, by Robin Morgan, on AlterNet.

"The soldiers noticed [Abeer, the 14-year-old victim] at a checkpoint. They stalked her after one or more of them expressed his intention to rape her. On March 12, after playing cards while slugging whisky mixed with a high-energy drink and practicing their golf swings, they changed into black civvies and burst into Abeer's home in Mahmoudiya, a town 50 miles south of Baghdad. They killed her mother Fikhriya, father Qassim, and five-year-old sister Hadeel with bullets to the forehead, and "took turns" raping Abeer. Finally, they murdered her, drenched the bodies with kerosene, and lit them on fire to destroy the evidence. Then the GIs grilled chicken wings.

"These details are from a sworn statement by Spc. James P. Barker, one of the accused along with Sgt. Paul Cortez, Pfc. Jesse Spielman, and Pfc. Bryan Howard; a fifth, Sgt. Anthony Yribe, is charged with failing to report the attack but not with having participated."

Next:

Soldiers Face Neglect, Frustration At Army's Top Medical Facility, by Dana Priest and Anne Hull, The Washington Post.

"...the despair of Building 18 symbolizes a larger problem in Walter Reed's treatment of the wounded...Many agreed to be quoted by name; others said they feared Army retribution if they complained publicly.

"On the worst days, soldiers say they feel like they are living a chapter of 'Catch-22.' The wounded manage other wounded. Soldiers dealing with psychological disorders of their own have been put in charge of others at risk of suicide.

"Disengaged clerks, unqualified platoon sergeants and overworked case managers fumble with simple needs: feeding soldiers' families who are close to poverty, replacing a uniform ripped off by medics in the desert sand or helping a brain-damaged soldier remember his next appointment.

"'We've done our duty. We fought the war. We came home wounded. Fine. But whoever the people are back here who are supposed to give us the easy transition should be doing it,' said Marine Sgt. Ryan Groves, 26, an amputee who lived at Walter Reed for 16 months. 'We don't know what to do. The people who are supposed to know don't have the answers. It's a nonstop process of stalling...'

"...Danny Soto, a national service officer for Disabled American Veterans who helps dozens of wounded service members each week at Walter Reed, said soldiers 'get awesome medical care and their lives are being saved,' but, 'Then they get into the administrative part of it and they are like, "You saved me for what?" The soldiers feel like they are not getting proper respect. This leads to anger.'"

And third:

Walter Reed patients told to keep quiet, by Kelly Kennedy, Army Times:

"Soldiers at Walter Reed Army Medical Center’s Medical Hold Unit say they have been told they will wake up at 6 a.m. every morning and have their rooms ready for inspection at 7 a.m., and that they must not speak to the media.

"'Some soldiers believe this is a form of punishment for the trouble soldiers caused by talking to the media,' one Medical Hold Unit soldier said, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

"It is unusual for soldiers to have daily inspections after Basic Training."

I wish I could do something to stop this unnecessary despair called "war."

The Studio 60 Effect: The Black Donnellys Edition

So, Studio 60's gone, thank goodness. I hope Steven Weber, Ed Asner, Nate Corddry, and Cal/Danny Concannon can find other shows where they can display their distinct, yet underused talent.

In the wake of Aaron Sorkin's overhyped trainwreck, NBC has given us Americans The Black Donnellys. I only taped this on Monday night because my friend told me it looked not so bad, and I had extra space on the video cassette. I would have recorded over it later this week without watching it, but I stumbled across this witty piece of writing: the Black Donnellys review over at Pajiba. The TV Whore writes:

As you have surely figured out by now (if you didn’t already know this from the endless NBC promos), Paul Haggis is the exec-producer of the series and the writer of the premiere. So you should already be able to figure out the show’s core: bad characters, worse dialogue, and clichés out the yin-yang. But you’re in for a real treat here, because at the show’s tasty center is a heaping pile of bad acting, overblown music, bad acting, flashy quick cuts, and, lest we forget, bad acting.

The acting wasn't that bad, but the writing certainly was. The music was heavy handed and often unnecessary. The worst part was the voiceover, coming from Joey Ice Cream, a locked-up friend of the Donnelly Brothers, who won't tell the coppers where his friends hid the bodies.

I had gotten temporarily excited because Tom Guiry, of Lassie, The Sandlot and We Were The Mulvaneys fame, was going to be on the show. Of course, I didn't know this until I read the Pajiba review. Good promotion, NBC. Sadly for me, Tom has not aged well, and his character in the show, Jimmy, is a profligate heroin(?) addict who can't stop finding trouble for himself. Additionally, Sean, the brother who's supposed to be cute enough to steal his brothers' girlfriends, is not as good-looking as Jonathan Tucker's Tommy, or their actually cute brother Kevin.

My biggest source of irritation is that the pilot episode, and therefore the premise of the entire series, is a ripoff of The Godfather. We the audience are supposed to sympathize with Tommy, the leader of the Donnelly family, because he committed every action in the show to protect his brothers. Except, his brothers brought the problems on themselves. His brothers gambled, lied, stole, then kidnapped and murdered a man to somehow rectify the first crimes. So, I'm not buying this latest excuse to show more disturbing, egregious acts of violence during primetime, masquerading as a dark family drama.

I still haven't seen Crash, but I coming to understand the Haggis hate. Any show that could make me long for the self-righteous whimsy of Studio 60 needs to take a hard look at itself.

Addendum: The LA Times review of the show. With a line like, "[The Black Donnellys]... is in a familiar-seeming if less tangible place — it might be Hell's Kitchen, but it feels like Scorsese's Creek," how could I resist? Read it while you can!

What I'm Watching This Presidents' Day.

This morning I'm watching the Black Men Revealed marathon on TV One. "Why He Won't Go to Church" is on right now. Next up is "Head to Toe: Turn Ons and Turn Offs." Earlier I watched part of "Black Male Mythology" featuring Martin from The Cosby Show, who believes his straight marriage should be valued more than any gay or lesbian marriage. Hmph. Then, as I was rotating my laundry, I watched most of "When White is Right," with this fool named Ocean, who prefers dating white women because they're easy, and doesn't like dating black women because they won't put up with his crap. However he doesn't like when black women date white men because he doesn't like the image he has in his head of them having sex.

I'm liking the show, and I'm wondering why this type of conversation isn't being shown most other networks. Not just a show displaying coherent black men, but coherent people having rich discussions about cultural topics. I don't hear about anything like this on CNN or, god forbid, Fox News.

Also, I've been watching LOGO, now that it's part of my cable package. I revisited Can't Get A Date this weekend. Of course, LOGO only shows the gay and lesbian episodes, so I may never get to see the lost straight episodes since VH1 isn't showing it anymore. Harumph.

As I was perusing the LOGO website, I came across Laughing Matters More, "a reality-based romp with four of the hottest lesbian comics working today." Why Kathleen Madigan isn't involved, I don't know. But anyway. Why can't Comedy Central have more women comedians featured like this? Or even, different comedians in general? I do enjoy some Comedy Central, but much as I love reruns of Chappelle's Show, I don't need anymore regurgitated incarnations of Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia. They really need to change it up and diversify their product to keep up with the demographics of our American society. If Comedy Central is leaving me behind, (or is it the other way around?) then I know other people like me are looking for other entertainment outlets as well. And demanding that YouTube take down clips of Crank Yankers and The Daily Show is not going to take care of the problem.

I'm Quoting Jimmy Kimmel Now?

Who'd have thunk that would ever happen? I guess I can't be offended by the original co-host of The Man Show every time he speaks.

"This Sunday, February 11th, is a very important day in our nation’s history.
It’s the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face.
... It could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration has
done." ---Jimmy Kimmel

So true, Jimmy. So true.

Enjoy the rest of the compiled snark on Cheers and Jeers at Daily Kos.

Musings from an Adorable American: "It's Valentine's Day?" Edition

Things of various importance that have been on my mind this week:

• The State of the Black Union 2007
  

On Saturday morning, I stumbled upon this day long event on C-SPAN, while I was wading through the jungle that is the new TimeWarner Cable program guide. Ugh. This whole channel grouping thing is not helpful to me at all. I'm just confused and frustrated, and my networks aren't where they are supposed to be!

Back to the black people. I watched this program before and after the Barack Obama Presidential Campaign announcement--which C-SPAN cut to, then came back--and before and after I went to Step class at my gym.

Lots of pertinent issues were discussed by the usual suspects, like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, as well as other distinguished panelists. Even though Sharpton and Jackson are both ministers, I still can't tell you what their actual jobs are. They just seem to be on call whenever people like Michael Richards or Joe Biden need to apologize to the black community.

The most striking part of the State of the Black Union was not the gospel dance party afterwards that moderator Tavis Smiley didn't expect C-SPAN to stick around for. (What were they going to cut to, an empty Senate chamber? It was Saturday. That follow-up musical performance was the most exciting spectacle C-SPAN has covered in a long time.) The most striking part was that the majority of issues discussed were important to every American: health care, the growing prison population, education, employment, financial matters, the illegal occupation of Iraq. The event could have been called, "The State of the Union, and we just happen to be Black." This conversation was way more informative and engaging than either George W. Bush's State of the Union address this year, or the Democratic Party's response delivered by Senator Jim Webb. Just like Nickelodeon and Linda Ellerbee used to say when I was growing up, Black History is Everyone's History. And possibly more now than ever, when bankruptcies abound, home mortgage foreclosures are increasing, the gap between the very rich and the very poor is widening exponentially, and No Child Left Behind is leaving behind most of its school districts, the State of the Black Union is the State of Everyone's Union.

• Tina Fey's spot-on assesment of Aaron Sorkin

"...Sunday night at the Writers Guild Awards...Fey told the crowd, 'I hear Aaron Sorkin is in Los Angeles wearing the same dress - but longer, and not funny.' "

Hee!

• The State of the Black Union 2006

I watched the beginning of it this morning on TV One. Compared to the day-long coverage on the 2007 version on C-SPAN, I didn't like the commercials TV One has to show for revenue, but I did appreciate the editing. Listing the name and accomplishments under each speakers face is much more effective and time-efficient than Tavis Smiley taking two minutes to vocalize the same thing. I know Mr. Smiley is being reverrent and polite to these great American leaders, but I've got things to do. Let's keep it moving. You know these people can be longwinded. And when I say, "these people," I mean the mature members of our American community who love a captive audience and a TV camera pointed at their face.

• Gilmore Girls

This show has gone down the pooper. I was so bored during last night's episode, "Farewell, My Pet." The only saving graces were Michel and Paris, both of whom I have always loved.

• Debra Dickerson on The Colbert Report

I cannot believe this fool. Watch the clip that had me yelling at my TV screen. Like that's an unusual occurence for me. It's at the bottom of the Comedy Central page, so hurry before it's gone.

To summarize for the time- and/or technologically-impaired, Ms. Dickerson informs Mr. Colbert that Barack Obama is not really black, since, according to her, "'Black,' in our political and social reality, means those descended from West African slaves." Calling him black would supposedly disrespect his father's Kenyan heritage. Despite the fact that Senator Obama was born in Hawaii, and his mother, white though she may be, was born in Kansas. Mr. Colbert suggested calling Senator Obama, "nouveau black," to which Ms. Dickerson replied that they could call him "African African-American." Mr. Colbert also had a solution to Senator Obama's non-owned heritage: he could be someone's slave for a short while for the black experience and to gain some street cred; to avoid the racist overtones, he could be Jesse Jackson's slave. Ms. Dickerson had no response for that.

I'd love for Ms. Dickerson to come up to my face and tell me I'm not black because I can't trace my ancestry to a particular West African slave in my family tree. What an idiot. I am so not buying her book.

I'm sure I'll have more stuff to think about later this week.

What a Nut Job...I Mean, Succesful Career Woman.

Today I discovered Penelope Trunk, a columnist at the Boston Globe, among other things. What a piece of work. You can read her pearls of wisdom at blog.penelopetrunk.com. I commented on one of her Popular Posts: "Women who are not my role models." Now I'm reading through the rest of her blog. She has some jokey ideas, but I have stumbled a few actual useful truths, too. Well, one. She cleverly cited Donald Trump's replacing Carolyn and George with his two less qualified children as an argument for affirmative action.

The article of hers that struck me was "How to Buy Happiness," posted last November on the Yahoo! Finance page. The title alone should have tipped me off, but I read it anyway. Here's her take on finding that special someone:

"3. Hire a headhunter to find you a mate.

The single most important factor in how happy you are is how much sex you have. Twice a week is optimal. Less frequent forays mean you won't reach the highest levels of happiness.

Warning to overachievers -- more sex will not give you more happiness. Warning to bottom-feeders -- sorry to disappoint you, but it's got to be with the same person every time.

This explains why married people are happier than unmarried people and why you should do everything you can to find a mate. If you have a lot of money, hire a headhunter to find you a mate.

And stop being so picky. Arranged marriages do as well as marriages for love, so give the headhunter a lot of leeway.

If you don't have a lot of money, ask a friend who her favorite ex is and date him. Research shows that if someone else liked their date then you'll like that date, too."

Okay, first? If I'm dating someone (like that will ever happen), and we're at the point in our relationship where we've started having sex? I would hope we would be having it more than twice a week. I'd imagine we'd both be busy, working individuals, but I do have my weekends free. :(

Second, I am an overachiever, and having daily orgasms would give me more happiness.

Third, married MEN are generally happier than unmarried men, mostly because they have someone taking care of them. Note to readers: That will not be me; my husband will be a grown man who can take care of himself. Additionally, married WOMEN are somewhat less happy than their single counterparts. I read it in some incomplete study somewhere. It was incomplete because it didn't take into account committed, long-term unmarried couples, or same-sex couples. And I don't remember what the name of the study was, or when it came out. You all will have to google it yourselves.

Fourth, I don't have a lot of money, so I guess I won't be happy until I can save up enough to buy me a headhunter.

Fifth, I'm so glad we live in a country in which arranged marriage is not only acceptable, but encouraged by financial advice columnists. If only I weren't so picky. Then surely I'd be happily married to one of the old, crazy men that I seem to attract like the plague.

Sixth, since I don't have a lot of money, as I mentioned before, I'm sure one of my friends' exes will fit me like worn-in pair of jeans. Except none of my friends wear my size. (See "Musings from Fatty McButterpants.") And my friends don't have many exes to choose from, much less a favorite one in the LA area. And, if my friends liked those guys so much, why aren't they still WITH them?

What a maroon.

From the "Why is This News?" File:

I am so tired of hearing about this ridiculous astronaut story on the "news." The story is not news. It is an aborted episode of Snapped on Oxygen.

This story is news: Contractors cozy up to feds in explosion of outsourcing, by Scott Shane and Ron Nixon, New York Times

"Without a public debate or formal policy decision, contractors have become a virtual fourth branch of government. On the rise for decades, spending on federal contracts has soared during the Bush administration, to about $400 billion last year from $207 billion in 2000, fueled by the war in Iraq, domestic security and Hurricane Katrina, but also by a philosophy that encourages outsourcing almost everything government does."

Jesse Jackson weighs in as well at the Chicago Sun-Times:

"...The Bush administration has privatized war. The second-biggest army in Iraq consists of armed security forces supplied by private contractors.

They act above the law -- and with unclear lines of authority. They work abroad, so they are largely beyond the reach of U.S. law. On contract from the U.S. government, they are beyond the reach of Iraqi law, as established in an order issued by the U.S. Authority there before turning power over to the Iraqi government. When the Abu Ghraib prison torture scandals were revealed, private security forces and interrogators were at the center of it. But none was held accountable..."

Since I listen to Randi Rhodes on Air America almost every weekday, I've been hearing about the nefarious acts of these contractors for almost two years. Aside from her counterparts on progressive talk radio, I haven't heard this story reported anywhere. Unless this aforementioned astronaut was protecting the Earth from an Independence Day-style invasion, I don't need to hear any other crazy white woman stories ever again.

High School? Hmm...

Inspired by one of my pals since kindergarten, I figured I would reflect on a seminal time that has shaped my current existence, for better or for worse. You can play along at home, if you like.

But first, my favorite news article of the day. From the Los Angeles Times Calendar: "Revisionist history with an acute vision: ‘Mirror’ shows a Europe conquered by invaders from the Americas". By Cindy Chang. Read it while you can. An LA Times subscription might be necessary later.

"[Ecuadorean artist Eduardo Villacis] proposes this alternate history in a mock museum exhibit that documents the conquest of Europe by the Aztecs through an array of fake artifacts and explanatory captions written in the simplistic, knowing tone of museumspeak. This is what Mexican schoolchildren might have seen on a field trip to the local museum had their Aztec ancestors colonized Europe, instead of the other way around.

In this world, there are no more Christians, leaving modern-day Amexicans to speculate about what god the natives of "U-rop" might have worshipped. "Entglitcz" is a lost language and Shakespeare completely forgotten. The Aztecs are just as cruel in victory as the Europeans were, enslaving the natives to build new cities on top of the ones they have destroyed."

Now back to the fun!

Fill this out about your YEARS of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be.

1. Who was your best friend?
Ava, Vanessa, and sometimes Shannon.

2. What sports did you play?
Soccer during my senior year. Cheerleading in tenth grade. Dance and horseback riding tenth through twelfth.

3. What kind of car did you drive?
None. I got my licenses--St. Thomas and California, respectively--in college.

4. It's Friday night, where were you?
Either at the movies with my friends, or at home watching Boy Meets World.

5. Were you a party animal?
Nope.

6. Were you considered a flirt?
Not even.

7. Ever skip school?
On Senior Skip Day. And even then, I came in for AP Economics.

8. Were you a nerd?
Yes. Expounding on this point is unnecessary

9. Did you get suspended/expelled?
For what? Like I ever did anything wrong.

10. Did you attend the Rally's?
The pep rallies? There wasn't really a choice not to. You could hide in the bushes if you wanted to hide your school spirit, but our school wasn't big enough for someone to go unnoticed for long. If you meant the fast-food place Rally's, we didn't have those on St. Thomas. We still don't.

11. Who was your Favorite teacher(s)?
Ooh. This is hard. I liked my history teacher in eighth grade, and my health teacher from seventh through twelfth.

12. Favorite class?
Tough one again. My least favorite class was AP Chemistry. What a cruel joke. Second-runner up: American History taught by a conservative Republican. I often wonder what happened to him, and how he feels about his party now.

13. What was your school's full name?
The Bayside School.

14. School mascot?
Dolphin.

15. Did you go to Prom?
Yes, both of them.

16. If you could go back and do it over, would you?
No. I have other things to do with my life. Like saving the world.

17. What do you remember most about graduation?
My salutatorian speech. Then being shown up by Shannon, yet again, with her tearjerking, manipulative valedictorian speech. Oh, and the 20+ people who showed up to cheer specifically for me. That was shocking.

18. Who was your high school sweetheart?
I never had none. And I'm still not getting any.

19. Where were you on senior skip day?
At home. I didn't feel like going to the beach with everyone. Then I went to school, as I mentioned in number 7.

20. Did you have a job your Senior year?
Nope. I had plenty of activities and international travel to keep me busy.

21. Where did you go most often for lunch?
I had Quiz Bowl practice during lunch.

23. What did you do after graduation?
I spent the summer working for a day care center, being let go from said day care, then working at the concession stand of the movie theater, until I left in August to start college in LA.

24. When did you graduate?
1999

25. Who was your Senior prom date?
I went with my friends.

26. Are you going to your 10yr class reunion?
Yes. I am.

27. Who was your home room teacher?...
We had a different one every year.

28. Who did you go to Sadie Hawkins with ?
What an outdated concept. If you want to go with some guy to a dance, then ask him. Who is this Sadie person anyway? To answer the question, we never had any Hawkins dances.

29. Who did you go to Snowball with ?
Snowball? It doesn't get below 60 on St. Thomas.

30. Who did you not like?
I'm not going to name names. But there were some people who were mean to me. Most people were nice, though, even if they never completely understood my quirky nature. And it's whom.

31. Who was your all time crush?
We don't need to talk about that. Though I will say that I did have crushes on at least seven guys during my four years of upper school. That was nothing compared to my raging hormones in middle school. At least eight crushes in those two years. The most serious crush waxed and waned from seventh to ninth grade. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Feel free to share your own musings about high school. Keep it clean, people.

Joe Biden: Stop Talking Now.

I knew there was some reason I didn't like Joe Biden. I've already forgotten what he did last year to tick me off. Thank goodness Senator Biden's latest interview with The New York Observer gave me something to complain about. Here's the stroke of brilliance that's got everybody who's anybody talking:

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy,” he said [about Senator Barrack Obama]. “I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”

Apparently Senator Biden has determined that Mr. Obama's no funky negro. I wish that fool would come up to my face and call me "articulate."

He also said some stuff about Hillary Clinton and my main man (until I find out he has done something stupid) John Edwards. But not many people care about those quotes. I do care about them, but they're not as funny as the unintentional ethnic insults. Those are the best kind. And there's more.

Last year, the Senator from Delaware let it be known that some of Joe Biden's favorite donut vendors are Indian. The words below were captured for posterity on this C-SPAN video.

“In Delaware, the largest growth of population is Indian Americans, moving from India. You cannot go to a 7/11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I’m not joking.”

I don't think you are joking, Mr. Biden. Now, I don't frequent the Dunkin' Donuts or 7/11 myself. However, I don't think those franchises will refuse to sell you a glazed pastry or a Big Gulp based on your intonation.

Musings from Fatty McButterpants: To 16, and Beyond.

My downward spiralling pity party reemerged last weekend when I purchased a "fuji apple pink" 3/4-sleeve turtleneck from Old Navy. It looks lovely on me, and it feels so comfy because I have room to move. So what's the problem?

It's an XXL. This is the first Women's XXL item I have ever bought in my entire life. I just keep growing and growing and growing. Not upward, but outward. And I haven't given birth to any kids yet. What's going to happen 10 years from now when I become a baby incubator? You're supposed to gain at least 20 pounds when you have a child. How am I supposed to get rid of that?

Today I had this Fat Actress moment when I was getting ready for work. My regular pants were feeling slightly snugger than I was comfortable with. So I figured I change into one of my pairs of fat pants. But then my fat pants were too tight too. :( I had to change my entire ensemble, and then I spent the rest of the day futzing with my sweater that kept cropping up over my belly. Boo hoo. It wasn't quite as bad as the above picture, but that's how I felt inside.

It's not like I eat like Kirstie did in her show, wolfing down entire bags of chips and trays of cookies in one sitting. My stomach can only hold so much food, even if I really like that food. But no matter how little goes inside my tummy, the outside of my tummy continues to expand. I exercise four times a week. I don't mean occasionally walking a lap around my block. I mean serious cardio. Tae Bo, Power Yoga, Step, and Total Body Conditioning. It's like something you'd see on Work Out.

I look at my friends eating normal or larger sized portions, and I wonder how their bodies can deal with that food when mine can't. Half of them don't even exercise! Then I feel even worse when I see a commercial for one of those ubiquitous "Obesity in America" news specials, with the camera taking headless shots of people's flabby bottoms and overflowing midsections. Not muffin tops. Not beer bellies. Cascading rolls of fat spilling out of their shirts and pants. And I think to myself, am I part of this problem? Am I not pushing myself hard enough at the gym? Am I still taking in too many calories? I know I could eat additional fruits and vegetables. But I can't drink any more water. My 2.5+ liters a day would drown any other human being.

I just need to accept my size and body type. I will always have a chunky torso, whether it's toned or mushy. But I hate having to buy bigger clothes every year. It's not like the government is giving me annual gift cards to the Gap. I should write my Senator. Maybe Madame Boxer can attach a special rider to the next spending bill.

Rock This Town? No, Degrassi, Nooo!

If you watched the latest episode of Degrassi: The New Generation on Friday, then you might be as traumatized as I am. I thought I'd be cool with JT dying. Hello, it's Degrassi: It goes there. What did you expect? But this? This was hard. Especially when we found out that not only is Liberty still in love with JT, but JT is still in love with her, too. Then it got all West Side Story, with "Tony!" "Maria!" "Tony! "Maria!" And right before JT could reach Liberty, some random guy stabs him. For no reason! Then Liberty rushes to his limp body, cradling her ex-baby-daddy in her arms, screaming for help.

I can't process this right now. This weekend has left me exhausted. I would talk about the reasons this episode has affected me so much, mainly because I identify with Liberty in the early seasons of Degrassi, when she was pursuing JT, but he just wanted to be friends with her. That was so me in eighth and ninth grade. Or, Grade 8 and Grade 9, as they say in Canadian.

If y'all watch Degrassi, or if you just like television shows involving average-looking teenagers going to school in America's attic (i.e. the Maple leaf country), please weigh in. Leave a comment, and we'll discuss my post-adolescent angst.

He Can Always Work at Dunder-Mifflin.

Did y'all catch Kevin Reilly on last week's episode of The Office? Yes, the sometimes delusional President of NBC Entertainment had a three-second cameo at the beginning of "The Return" as Dwight's potential employer. I wasn't sure it was Mr. Reilly at first. But Defamer confirmed it for me. He's pretty darn cute, for a older gentleman. And I'm two degrees of separation away from him. Sweet! Kevin is my latest "wishes-he-were-a-celebrity" crush. Because network presidents are only tabloid-worthy if you can find them on The Sunset Strip. No matter how cool Jeff Zucker thinks he is 'cause he knows Kirstie Alley.

Even if the constant breaking rumors turn out to be true at some confirmed point in the near future, I'm sure Kevin will land on his feet. If nothing else, his golden parachute and his big pile of money will help cushion his fall.

Oh yeah. Loved the rest of the episode, too. "I liked you better as the temp." "Me too." You're lucky you're still around, BJ.

Update, 3/1/2007: KEVIN REILLY RE-UPS AS PRESIDENT, NBC ENTERTAINMENT

"The Return of the King"

In honor of the holiday, I'm watching my second favorite episode of The Boondocks, in which Martin Luther King awakes from his 40-year coma. After being persecuted for his nonviolent beliefs in a post-9/11 America, and watching some booty-shaking videos on BET, the controversial Civil Rights activist declares, "I'm going to Canada." If you haven't seen it, I encourage you to watch this clip of Dr. King's speech as he addresses the black American community four decades after he was shot.

What's my first favorite episode of Boondocks? The Trial of R. Kelly. I wish Aaron had left Rosa Parks in it, though.

In somewhat related news, I think some creepy, middle-aged white guy tried to solicit me at the gas station last night. All I did was respond to his, "Hello, how are you?" with a polite, "I'm good, how are you?" And I get, "You want to have some fun tonight?" What part of my outfit said, "I'm a hooker?" The thick black turtleneck, the puffy down coat, or the comfortable brown loafers by Hush Puppies? I don't think my being mistaken for a prostitute by some skeevy dude of a different color was part of Dr. King's multicultural Dream.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: Representin', yo.

I had the unfortunate experience of catching the opening of The View this morning, the day after that guy in the White House addressed the nation about his plan for victory in Iraq, i.e. "the most dangerous foreign policy blunder in this country since Vietnam" (tm Senator Chuck Hagel, R-Nebraska).

Apparently Ms. Hasselbeck's role on The View is to put a face to the 11% of Americans who think George W. Bush's troop surge idea is the way to go for Iraq. She had the nerve to compare putting 21,500 more American troops into the war-torn nation, with using chemotherapy to treat her mother's cancer. Rosie pointed out to her that "after 9/11," our country had the support of the entire world, and now we have none. Elisabeth's response? She doesn't care what the rest of the world thinks of us; she'd rather be safe. Because in her mind, those two things are not related.

How did this ninny get to be a co-host on a national talk show? Oh yeah. She took fourth place on Survivor, and married a backup NFL quarterback. If that's all it takes, I should have my own talk show on ABC right now.

Hey, Hasselbeck. How would you like to serve your country over there, so we don't have to fight them over here, after reading this tidbit of news: Pentagon abandons active-duty time limit. According to the AP:

"The Pentagon has abandoned its limit on the time a citizen-soldier can be required to serve on active duty, officials said Thursday, a major change that reflects an Army stretched thin by longer-than-expected combat in Iraq...

...Until now, the Pentagon's policy on the Guard or Reserve was that members' cumulative time on active duty for the Iraq or Afghan wars could not exceed 24 months. That cumulative limit is now lifted; the remaining limit is on the length of any single mobilization, which may not exceed 24 consecutive months, Pace said.

In other words, a citizen-soldier could be mobilized for a 24-month stretch in Iraq or Afghanistan, then demobilized and allowed to return to civilian life, only to be mobilized a second time for as much as an additional 24 months. In practice, Pace said, the Pentagon intends to limit all future mobilizations to 12 months."

Elisabeth, don't come crying to me about, "But I have a baby to raise." Rosie told you today about that Army couple she knew who have an infant, but they both have to go to Iraq anyway. You can sign up at the Recruitment Station and leave that kid with your husband Tim. I'm sure he'll be able figure out how to raise a child while you're off in the desert fighting "insurgents." Thousands of parents are going through the same situation right now. Since you're all for supporting George Bush in this war, why don't you join them?

It stands for Live, and Love, too.

The L Word, Season 4, premiered last night on Showtime. It wasn't until I was watching the preview on my OnDemand cable that I realized how much I missed this show. There is only one season a year, it lasts for about three months, and then, Boom, it's gone. So sad. I will enjoy it while it's still around. If you don't have Showtime, but want to keep up to date on Bette's baby-stealing antics, Helena's newfound poverty, Tina's return to "white heterosexual privilege," Jenny's incessant navel gazing, Kit's inability to escape her Foxy Brown past, and Alice's overall awesomeness (she is soooo funny), then take a gander at the recaps at AfterEllen.com. Scribe Grrrl has a certain flair for recording the show's drama, humor and parade of "guest-bians" (tm Scribe Grrrl).

In other premium-cable-that-I-so-cannot-afford-but-have-anyway news, I am so psyched about Extras on HBO, starting this week! I would not shut up about this show in the car last night as I was riding around LA with my friends, helping them search for their dinner. I was telling them all about the upcoming Orlando Bloom episode, where he is possibly the only man in the world that Maggie doesn't fancy. But I'm more excited about the Daniel Radcliffe episode, because 1, I love the Harry Potter books and movies, and 2, he reminds me of a guy I had a crush on. Actually, he looks like multiple guys I had crushes on. They were older than him, of course. I'm feeling a little squicky now, because Mr. Radcliffe's not legal yet. Not in the U.S. anyway. I don't know how they roll in Britain, but I'm not down for checking out teenagers.

Onto free (if you have a TV) broadcast television, and away from people who turn 18 this July. The Office. Loved. It. How can last week's episode make me start rooting for Roy, while I snipe at Pam? That's the power of The Office. Pam's crying didn't touch me that deeply. Yeah, I would have sat with her and gave her a hug while she sniffled. But inside, I'd be like, Hello? You rejected Jim twice, missy. You didn't think he was going to move on? Well, he did, and he found someone who appreciates him. And if you want him back, Pam, then, in the words of Britney Spears, "why don't you do somethin'?"

Last, but not least: Oxygen's Campus Ladies. Because Joan, Barri, Paige, Abdul and "Mr. Drew" rock my world. With guest stars like Patton Oswalt, Megan Mullaly, Penny Marshall, Jason Alexander, Mo'Nique and Sean Hayes, how can you go wrong? And that's just Season 2.

Honorable mention: Jim Gaffigan in My Boys. Jim, you are working it. But that show needs help. Woof. Not so good. And Kyle Howard? Please ask for some more lines. You're adorable, but your character arc ended way too soon. You cannot peak in the second episode of a thirteen episode series. I mean, season. Yeah. That's right. Season. Who said "cancelled"?

Keeping the Brown Man Down: Bianca's First Post of the New Year

As planned and as usual, I spent my New Year's Eve watching the Twilight Zone marathon on SciFi. But by midnight, I had fallen asleep watching the Fingerbang episode of South Park. I'm still watching The Twilight Zone now. I put together my new Ikea bookshelf (with doors!) while I was consumed one of my favorite episodes, "Number 12 Looks Just Like You." Made in 1964, but even more poignant now. It should be required viewing for anyone considering elective plastic surgery.

Now that I have pretty much recovered from my trip home, I have now fallen back into my routine of putzing around on the internet when I should be doing other productive things. Like unpacking, or opening my snail mail. Hence, I stumbled onto these two items courtesy of Racialicious.

1: Shades of Brown: The L.A. Times’ Latino problem, written by Daniel Hernandez in LA Weekly,

"In more than 30 interviews with current and former staff members of various backgrounds, as well as many longtime community leaders and newsroom-diversity advocates, a portrait of the Los Angeles Times emerges as an institution that remains incapable of adapting to the city’s changing faces. Year after year, the paper still feels like it’s manufactured for the recently arrived Anglo Westsider. Who wishes he were in New York."

How is it that the Los Angeles Times, a newspaper based in a city that used to be part of Mexico and whose population is at least 46% "Hispanic or Latino", is still treating all of these people as outsiders who the newspaper must either pander to or barely tolerate?

and, 2: A commentary by Racialicious editor Carmen Van Kerckhove, on a newly infamous Virgin Trains commercial. This one-minute-and-20-second-long advertisment, airing in the UK and on YouTube, involves olde tyme Native Americans on horseback attacking a modern-day locomotive, filled with white people, barreling through the British countryside. Quoi? What kind of twisted, anachronistic history rewriters has Charles Bronson got working for him at Virgin? As I can recall from Pocahontas, the British were the ones who invaded the Native Americans' land, not the other way around.

The commercial then ends with the slogan, "Man who go on big train have big idea." Because I wasn't offended enough before.

It's 2007, people. Did we learn nothing from Mel and Michael?

Musings from an Angeleno: The Back Home? edition

I wish there were something meaningful I could say about my Christmas vacation to St. Thomas this year, something that would distinguish it from the seven other Christmas vacations that I've flown back home for.

It was better than the year Mummy embarassed me on New Year's Eve.

It was not as good as my first year of college, when I came back and discovered that in addition to going out to the Old Mill on Saturday nights like we did in high school, the places to be were Duffy's on Fridays, and the Green House on Tuesdays.

It was better than the year I missed Christmas with my friends because I was in St. Kitts on a cruise, and I spent New Year's Eve crying on the Lido deck after Grammy had been mean to me.

It was not as good as my senior year of college when I was hanging out at Duffy's and one of my former classmates told me that I looked good. He was buzzed, but I still liked the accurate appreciation of my physiognomy.

It was better than that time I was only home for 48 hours.

It was more eventful than last year. And that's saying something.

I'm glad I went, and I'm glad I'm back. But every time I make that 12-hour journey from St. Thomas back to LA, a part of me always wonders if either place will ever completely feel like home.

Musings from a St. Thomian: The Christmas Eve edition

(Imagine a picture of A Charlie Brown Christmas here.)

Being in St. Thomas for Christmas vacation is always an adventure. I've been making some poignant observations over the past few days. If any of my soupcons of brilliance grab you, feel free to share my bon mots with your friends. (Warning: Any or all of the words I wrote above, or below, may have been used incorrectly by me.)

1. People. Please keep your octogenarian relatives off the road. This goes for individuals 90 and above as well. If your Grandma or Auntie or Nenie was alive when the US purchased the Virgin Islands (in 1917), they should not be driving up and down Donkey Hill! Be a good grandchild or godchild or great-niece and give them a ride.

2. I miss the trio of Christmas bushes my Mummy put up last year. They deserve their own separate post, but long story short: it was like my mother had adopted three of Charlie Brown's unfortunate Christmas trees. The kind you have to wave your hands over with your big-headed friends to make look halfway decent. This year, Mummy got a real tree. Meaning something in an actual tree shape. Not something that came from the ground. If anything, it came from some plastic laboratory where the scientists create trees that grow their own lights. It's pretty. And Mummy added some new ornaments to make it extra festive. But I miss our sad little bushes. I liked them, Mummy!

3. Tonight at the Christmas Eve Candlelight Service that Mummy, Grammy and I attend each year, I encountered one of my many old crushes from high school. No, not the valedictorian that went to Yale. No, not the Jewish valedictorian that went to Yale. No, not the other Jewish one. Nope. That one. Yes, that one. I went up to him and said, "Hey." I wasn't completely sure it was him. Like I cared. I go up to anyone and say hi. I don't have to know them. I'm charming and adorable. Well, apparently he didn't think so. He was cordial. Cor. Dial. Yes, he did ask me if I was still in LA, and then he bragged about my film-related job to his parents. And he told me what he was doing with his life and where he was, and how he hung out with some of our classmates one time. But still. He wasn't impressed by me. And I am impressive. Hello! I looked so cute, too. :(

Whatever. He's not even going out while he's here. What is that about? Like he's too cool now to hang out in dirty parking lots outside of rickety-old shacks? Okay, yes, this past Friday at Duffy's was lame. But, come on. What else are you going to while you're here? I personally need to be entertained while I'm here, even if it is by people I barely talked to in high school, and skeevy old guys whose two-for-one drinks have deluded them into thinking I would dance with them. To each his own, I guess. :)

4. My niece. Well, my St. Thomas niece. She is so cool. She's ten months old now? Yes, ten months. I'll go with that. I'm so glad I finally got to meet her. I wish I could see her more often. She's friendly and curious and happy. And yes, she's very cute. But I don't like to say that about babies. Because most babies I see are cute. But what if you have a baby in your life that isn't cute? Furthermore, it's not like they can control how they come out. I was a cute baby. Then I went through an awkward phase, from when I hit puberty hard at eight, until...now. So.

5. My parents. I so should have gotten that family therapy session that I was talking about earlier this year. Dude. You'd think my Mummy and Grammy would know how to effectively communicate with each other by now. Mummy scoffs whenever I suggest therapy. But if it was a gift, she might be more receptive. I don't know about Grammy, though. I could tell her we were going to the mall, and then when she gets out of the car, Surprise!

6. I have watched all my Daria videos. I am now watching all my Flash Forward videos. In every episode, Ben Foster seems to be channeling Matthew Perry. Not really Friends Matthew Perry, but Studio 60 Matthew Perry. It's really weird. I doubt anyone reading this has tapes of Flash Forward so you can see what I'm talking about. But it's bizarre. It's like they went to the same Acting School for Dry Comedy Moments.

For those of you celebrating Christmas tomorrow, like I will be, have a good one. For those with other plans, enjoy the lack of traffic and the elbow room at the movie theaters.

I Love The Office! You Should, Too.

Since my latest posts have been so heavy and thought-provoking and emotionally-draining for some (i.e. me), today I offer something light-hearted and fun:

Reasons I love The Office.

1. It's so funny.
2. Rashida hearts Jim.
3. Pam needs to say something to get Jim back. She burned him but good. But like in "Foreverwood," the last episode of Everwood (I'm still not over it, Dawn Ostroff!), where Amy waits outside of Ephram's apartment with the giant Ferris wheel, and Ephram's all, "I've always loved you, Amy"? Pam can do something big for Jim, and Jim will be all, "I've always loved you, Pam." But what about Rashida, Jim? What about Rashida?!

Ahem.

4. Stanley and Phyllis. Love. Them.
5. Ryan. Break up with Kelly already. But for real this time.
6. Angela. Because green is apparently a whory color. Who knew?
7. Dwight. He owns a beet farm. He thinks you can buy gaydar from Radio Shack. Finally, someone dorkier than I am.
8. Michael Scott. "Spamster."
9. Take Your Daughter To Work Day. Awesome. Ryan was so scared. Ha ha, Stanley was so funny.
10. Boys and Girls. "Do black people like pizza?"
11. The webisodes! So cute. When is Oscar coming back from his looong vacation? I miss him.
12. Creed staring that woman breastfeeding, then taking a picture of her boob. So inappropriate. So hilarious.
13. Kelly not knowing anything about Diwali, and Dwight knowing everything about Diwali. Perfect characterization about one of Dunder-Mifflin's "most ethnic employees."
14. Jan. Oh, Jan. So neurotic, so reluctantly in love with Michael.
15. Kevin's poor uncle Bernie, and Ryan's cousin Mufasa. Ha!
16. Michael, then Dwight kissing Oscar. Uncomfortable. I, like Ryan, had to look away.

I have many, many more. But chew on those for a while. I encourage you to suggest your own reasons for loving The Office as well.

"I Can't Get a Job Because I'm a (White) Male."

It all started with this article in the latest issue Vanity Fair, entitled "Why Women Aren't Funny," by Christopher Hitchens. Here's an excerpt from the witty tome:

"...my argument doesn't say that there are no decent women comedians. There are more terrible female comedians than there are terrible male comedians, but there are some impressive ladies out there. Most of them, though, when you come to review the situation, are hefty or dykey or Jewish, or some combo of the three. When Roseanne stands up and tells biker jokes and invites people who don't dig her shtick to suck her dick—know what I am saying? And the Sapphic faction may have its own reasons for wanting what I want—the sweet surrender of female laughter. While Jewish humor, boiling as it is with angst and self-deprecation, is almost masculine by definition."

"Hefty or dykey or Jewish?" Okay, wow. There is so much wrong with that paragraph, and with the man who wrote it, that I won't even bother to attempt analysis.

I found out about Mr. Hitchens's piece (hee!) while browsing pamie.com and Feministing. The writers and readers of Feministing had some choice words for Mr. Hitchens. But pamie's post on the subject this Saturday was the one that sparked the "comedy blog war," i.e. humorous yet informed discussion, that I'm hoping to contribute to.

The first retallion shot was fired over the bow by pamie's friend Irwin on his blog, From Studio Twelve A. Irwin is currently "holding a knife to [his] penis" because "girl writers are getting hired just because they are girls ALL THE TIME. And some of them, aren't funny. Or they are funny, but not as funny as other people. This is fact." He asserts that since women comedy writers are as rare as "polar bears, or Native Americans" they are in higher demand, and are therefore taking away jobs from him and his fellow white male friends.

Irwin, put the knife down, and get over yourself.

pamie, who is a girl and a working comedy writer, then responded to Irwin's post with valid anecdotal evidence to prove her point. Here is one of my favorite passages:

"[Irwin's] main complaint is that a woman gets the job he thinks there are hundreds more men qualified for. There's one more slot in the room of ten writers, but instead of going to him...it goes to "some girl," and it doesn't matter if that girl is funny or not...

...Maybe the reason he's sometimes working with "the girl" who isn't funny is because in some cases when they have to hire "the girl," they go to their go-to girl: one they know won't make problems, or one they know from before, or one they don't think is pretty/sexy/flirty/single/straight enough to cause "problems," or one that has been waiting for such a chance and they're taking a risk, or whatever...Irwin fails to mention how many times he's found himself working with a man who's intensely unfunny, who every day he's like, "Guy! Why did they hire him?" Does he shrug his shoulders and go, "Must be because he's a guy. Damn this patriarchal comedy system!" No, he doesn't. The dick is never the reason why that dick got hired."

Exactly. There is usually ONE girl in the comedy writers room. ONE. The rest of the writers are guys, and they are almost exclusively white. Did Irwin ever question why most writers on television shows are white males? I doubt it. Because he'd have to take a hard look at the industry he works in, and admit his privileged place in the white patriarchal structure that runs it. He'd have to acknowledge that even though white males constitute less than 30 percent of the US population, they control over 90 percent of what goes on TV. (And countless other industries as well.) Yes, I know that Irwin is not one of the people who decides what programs go on our televisions. But the fact that he shares the same color AND gender of most of the the people who do make those decisions at every level? He needs to admit that gives him a leg up on the normalcy ladder, no matter how many polar bears and Native Americans are applying for the same job.

Today, Irwin posted a response to pamie's response. He asserts, "1. There are far less women writing comedy than men. Period." and, "2. Pamie does not fully understand because she is a great writer so it doesn't matter." He concludes his argument by stating, "now I shall go back to trying to be funny, despite the handicap between my legs."

Oy vey.

Again, too many eye-rolling things to comment on. I will agree that pamie is a great writer, proven by the fact that I purchased both of her novels. I just get so upset when I hear or read (white) males professing, "those women/minorities are taking our jobs!"

Irwin, have you ever considered how many jobs you have gotten simply because you are a white male? Before you automatically say, "None," I encourage you to think about it. Even if "none" is the correct answer, think about why the comedy writers' world is such that a distinct effort must be made to find a "female voice" for a show. Women make up 51% of the population. Why do the people who make comedies need a special search to find out how to speak to the majority of this country?

Additionally, why do you think you need to "hire a gay guy" to fill that niche? I'm neither gay, nor a guy, but I am a writer, and I am funny.

Musings from a Black Woman: That's a big bag, little lady.

White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

I stumbled up this while reading Racialicious. When I hear certain people talk about how great it is here in the US of A, and how racism isn't such a big problem anymore, I like to refer to number 46:

I can chose blemish cover or bandages in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.

Now you know full well there are no brown colored Band-Aids to be found in any drugstore, supermarket or SuperTarget in any corner of this country. That's a big reason why I purchase colorful Sesame Street, Care Bears or Hello Kitty bandages. It looks better than having some tacky peach colored adhesive strip on my skin. And people with that peach colored skin probably have never though about it ever. But I think about the implicit racism, every time I get a cut.

Yeah, not being able to find bandages in my skin color is not a life threatening issue. Neither is not being able to easily find face powder and concealer in my skin color, which happens a lot. But almost every one of those effects listed has occured to me at some point in my life, often repeatedly.

1. I can't arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time. I am still in need of a black friend here in LA. And I'm not going to take and exact count, but over 60% of the people I work with are white. Ergo.

2. I can avoid spending time with people whom I was trained to mistrust and who have learned to mistrust my kind or me. Well, I wasn't trained to mistrust anyone in particular. So...next?

3. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live. Okay, considering I live in LA, and rent is skyrocketing in every area (as if it was ever cheap to begin with), this isn't so much a race issue as it is a class issue. Or a Southern California issue.

4. I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such a location will be neutral or pleasant to me. Most of my neighbors, right now, are nice. They represent a few different colors and nationalities, too. But if I moved to a wealthier area so my currently nonexistent kids could go to better public schools, I don't know if my neighbors would be so tolerant of my brown-skinned presence. Hypothetical jerks.

5. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed. Okay this one is a biggie. Half of the time I enter any store outside of my immediate neighborhood, I get asked by some ninny, "Do you work here?" or "Where can I find this?" In most cases, it is very clear that, No, I do not work at CVS (rolling my eyes), considering I'm not wearing a blue polo shirt or a nametag. Idiots. I am this close to getting that shirt made that I've been thinking about for months, that says, "I don't work here" on the front, and "What makes you think I do?" on the back. Unfortunately, half of the time the person asking is elderly or a child, so I can't YELL AT THEM like I want to. But the other times...I'm working on it. If one more uppity middle-aged white lady asks me snidely, "Do you work here?" I am going to let her have it. It will not be pretty, and she will leave the store crying. I'll be making men cry, too. No one likes to be called a racist, but sometimes you have to call a spade a spade. Yeah, I said it.

Go through the others yourself. There are 50 total. Either you'll feel bad about the privilege you never knew you had, or angry about the privileges that you never realized you deserved. It's guaranteed to make you feel neither warm nor fuzzy.

Some of my best friends are white people.

"I’m sick of white folks. It’s not just that we command an unseemly portion of the world’s resources, exploiting hundreds of millions of non-white folks and causing horrendous environmental damage in the process and then patting ourselves on the back for paying the merest lip service to righting our wrongs. It’s that when we make movies about the atrocities committed for our benefit and with our tacit consent, we insist upon setting up one of our own as the hero. It’s really pretty sick."

Check out Jeremy C. Fox's review of Blood Diamond at Pajiba. Even though I'm not personally "sick of white folks," I was totally digging his account of Hollywood movies that focus on the trivialities of white people at the expense of the more important stories of the brown people involved. That was why Bring It On: All or Nothing warranted such a favorable review from me: even though Hayden Panera Bread was the lead, the movie focused on the brown people as well. Unlike its predecessor, Bring It On, which followed Kirsten Dunst and her pale cheer-stealing team, instead of Gabrielle Union and her band of plucky brown performers.

And yes, I love me some Leo DiCaprio. I have since Growing Pains. However, I must echo the sentiment, "What accent does Leonardo DiCaprio think he's doing?" Because I so cannot tell from those commercials. Blood Diamond takes place in South Africa, but from the way he was talking, I thought he was The Last King of Scotland.