Tuesday, August 08, 2006

License to F!@k.

From the Mixed-Up Files of Ms. Bianca Erin-Dempsey.

April 6, 2006:

My epiphany. After driving home, listening to Janeane
Garofalo preach the Word tonight on her Air America
show, The Majority Report, I started thinking. She was
talking about why so many Republicans and so-called
"conservatives" want to take away the rights of
Americans, in particular, the reproductive rights of
women. She has said on past shows that if men could
have babies, reproductive rights would not even be an
issue. There would be no movement to legislate a
person's sovereignty over their own body.

So I thought to myself about the men who just don't
get it. The men who glibly say, "killing babies is
wrong," yet have no problem hunting or fishing or not
paying child support. The men who have never
considered what would happen if the American
government started legislating THEIR genitalia.

Then I came up with the perfect solution. Any man who
wants to have vaginal intercourse with a woman must
get a license. It's not the eggs that are the problem;
it's the sperm. I walk around with my eggs every day,
and I don't get pregnant. You can't spontaneously
conceive an embryo. Viable sperm have to enter the
fallopian tubes, and...well, you know how a baby is
made. If Bill Frist and Rick Santorum and other
"conservatives" can attempt to prevent me and other
American women from accessing proper health care, why
shouldn't I try to get to the root of the problem:
sperm? It's not like unwanted pregnancies are caused
by helpless women tripping and falling into puddles of
sperm. They are caused by men who are obviously
incapable of safely using their penises. Therefore,
those men who want access to the vajajay (the
technical term) should have to go through a DMV-like
process to acquire a license to...make sweet love by
the fire. There would be an application process, tests
administered, suitable protection (i.e. condoms)
required, mandatory insurance (because accidents
happen), and enforceable penalties for "unsafe

With my proposed policy, I bet the number of both
unwanted pregnancies and subsequent abortions would
decrease significantly. If nothing else, it's a better
plan than abstinence. What genius came up with that
idea? "People...er, um...don't have sex." Brilliant.
It's working out so well, too. Except not really. The
major result of abstinence programs is a significant
increase of teenagers engaging in anal and oral sex,
to somehow protect their virginity. Hooray for

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